Chapter 331 - My SI Stash #31 - Among the Stars by KennethRose (MassEffect) (1/2)

-It updated after god knows how long, the only Joker SI fic I know and it's best pairing ofc! I really hope this fic actually gets an ending as like other abandoned stories i've reread the shit out of them, checking the site once a week for a sign of life/

Synopsis: S_u_c_k_e_d into the Mass Effect universe and finding himself replacing enigmatic pilot Jeff Moreau, James White is in for one hell of a ride as he works alongside Erin Shepard and her crew to end the Collector and Reaper threat. Begins after Freedom's Progress mission in ME2. Self-Insert. Strong!Intelligent!Joker, JokerxFemShep romance and fluff, planning TalixKelly later.

Rated: T

Words: 73K

Posted on: fanfiction.net/s/8745407/8/Among-the-Stars (KennethRose)

PS: If you're not able to copy/paste the link, you have everything in here to find it, by simply searching the author and the story title. It sucks that you can't copy links on mobile (´ー｀)

-I'll be putting the chapter ones of all the fanfics mentioned, to give you guys a sample if you wan't more please do go to the website and support the author! (And maybe even convince them to start uploading chapters in here as well!)

Chapter 1-2 (exceptional)

Adverse yaw, ailerons, angels – as in angels fifteen, bleed air, drift… all these aeronautical terms were smashing themselves around in my skull. A thrumming headache was bursting out from behind my eyes as more and more words I'd never heard of rammed themselves into my brain – forced themselves to make sense to me. One word made a connection with another, which in turn brought forth imaginary scenarios where I would use such things. Suddenly I knew how to correct drift when coming into a Mass Relay – and I wasn't even going there right now. I knew how to correct pitch and yaw when coming in for a ground landing in a super frigate, or even something as simple as a drop ship. I knew how to run maintenance drills, adjust and overclock ship cores, along with a whole bunch of stuff that was probably illegal but which I had to admit sounded pretty damn cool.

The headache was still growing, but the information I was suddenly making sense of overrode it – how could it not? This shit just shouldn't be happening, but it was. A headache I'd had before. I'd never had nearly ten years of complex and advanced aeronautic terms and knowledge flooding into my head. I'd never really understood that kind of stuff before either. Now before we get to the whole 'oh golly he said Mass Effect', let's talk about me. No I'm not being egotistical. Shut up.

I'm James. Hi. I could go on about how 'this is my story', but that's just cliche. I don't do cliché. If you're thinking about how this kind of story is cliché then I will find some way to come and slap you silly. I'm not tall – just thought you should know that. I'm five ten on a good day and five nine on my worst. I'll have you know that I don't slouch. Again, stop thinking whatever you're thinking. Just yesterday I attended a university in Massachusetts. No, I'm not American; I'm British. No, I don't spell mum 'mom'. No, I will not debate the reason we spell mum 'mum'. Shut up. Again. So I was at MIT for three years, majoring in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science. I got Bs. An A- or so a couple of times. Not a stellar student, not the worst either – I just had a problem with academic institutions.

I have a cat, a dog, and a bird. Yes, it's a food-chain. No, it doesn't work like that because the cat's the bird's bitch, and the dog is literally the cat's bitch. Single child, two parents that I barely saw save for maybe three hours a week, an uncle who's pretty laid back, and an aunt that I haven't seen in around six years. Why, you ask? I don't know. I'm a computer gamer too, by the way, and I think it relevant to inform you that I'm an avid fan of the Mass Effect games – apart from that god-forsaken ending in the third instalment – and no, I don't think the Extended Cut DLC made it much better at all. Anyways, that's me. Nothing interesting – move along.

Ah, but the Mass Effect ordeal intrigues you, doesn't it? It intrigues me too, because I still don't know what the f_u_c_k is going on. It's not every day, as I said earlier, that you have years of knowledge smacked into your head with what feels like a goddamn sledgehammer. I've still got my eyes closed, and that headache's finally peaked out at 'oh my f_u_c_k_i_n_g head feels like a lorry ran over it', which I'm happy about because I was about to reconsider the lorry part and upgrade to a 747. Yes, I know that my head would explode if that actually happened – thanks. It seems a little counterproductive to keep my eyes closed, but I'm afraid that if I open my eyes a light will try and get itself intimately acquainted with my retina. I'd rather not have a blue cube in my vision for the next ten minutes.

See, the knowledge wasn't without a personal spin on it. I know precisely what I'm going to see when I open my lids, but I'm pretty damn sure I'm in a state of denial here, right now. Because there's no way in hell I said Mass Effect earlier now, is there? I mean, that's insane – how can I know the intimate details on acceleration ratios, energy requirements, and terawatt yields on Mass Effect relays unless I'm going insane. I'd prefer to think I'm quite sane, but I'm starting to question even that at the moment.

But Gryffindors forwards.

Fiction, and wrong universe I know… but it seems to fit the moment. Opening my eyes reveals a rather extensive glowing orange panel in front of me hovering in the air. All the numbers and little symbols are completely understandable to me, and quickly changing a parameter by a decimal point to correct the temporal drift inside the relay tunnel we're blasting through at the moment seems like the most natural thing in the world to do.

'Course I've never done it before, but still…

”James, using the bow thrusters to adjust the Normandy's course in such a manner is beyond acceptable operating parameters.

Ah. There's EDI. I can now see why Joker got so incredibly pissed off. ”Thank you EDI,” I managed to bite out, ”but who is the awesome pilot here? Oh-” I interrupt before she can, ”that's right, me. Our bow thrusters are rated for exposure almost five times that. It's fine.”

The little blue orb expands a little before shrinking down and then disappearing and I wonder if I just bore witness to an AI actually huffing at me. I should be in complete shock right now, because well, you know… different universe over a hundred and sixty years in the future and all that jazz, but I'm not really. The memories in my head have coaxed me into accepting it all – because they're my memories now. I feel a little guilty for replacing Joker but-

”Joker, how's the c_o_c_kpit?”

Correction, I'm apparently still 'Joker'. Note to self; keep up with the witty comments. And banter. And just generally being an awesome smart-ass. I find the control for the seat I'm sitting in and swivel around with a grin, and then feel my breath hitch in my throat when I see the woman who asked the question. What's the best fem-Shep pic you've ever seen? Multiply the awesomeness by ten, add in s_e_xiness, and you have Shepard – Erin Shepard if my memory, or rather Jeff's, serves me correctly. The glowing scars from the whole 'yeah, I was dead for a couple of years' debacle are far more pronounced than I had ever imagined; the skin around them sunken and bringing them into harsh contrast. It was hard not to stare, but I think I managed – because even with the scarring she was scarily beautiful. If she wasn't a Commander in the Alliance – or whatever she was in Cerberus right now – then she could easily make a living as a model. As it was however, just from her b_a_r_e forearms I could see that she wasn't a weak little girl; those muscles were toned.

”Hey Commander,” I shot back with a smile, ”how's things with the whole 'save the galaxy… again' sort of deal? Just like old times – never boring with you, is it?”

I watched as her lips twitched and an amused smirk slowly developed. ”You sure you left the Alliance rather than get court marshaled?”

I patted my c_h_e_s_t, right above my heart, and was made abruptly aware of the weakness of my bones when I felt them ache with even such a small action. ”Right here, Commander, it just hurts.” My pout only intensified, and I found her smirk widening until she opened her mouth and laughed. For a moment the pain and loneliness in her scarily green eyes diminished, but it was all too soon that those emotions returned in full force.

”It's good to have you back Joker.”

I smiled, a genuine, non-snarky one this time, and just that seemed to take her aback. ”Good to be back Erin.” Her eyebrows rose even further, and I wondered if perhaps it was too abrupt of a change in pace where 'my' personality was concerned, as well as our friendship. I grinned, and sat back as I forced smugness across my face. ”See, can't do me in for insubordination now.”

The look of surprise turned into one of amus_e_m_e_nt once more, and I received a roll of her eyes for my trouble. It felt like a victory to me. ”I can still accidentally fall on you.”

I threw my arms up and stifled a wince, ”See, always picking on the cripple – hey Kelly! The Commander's bullying me!”

I doubt my shout reached the Yeoman, but the effect was still there. ”You know Miss Chambers?”

I looked up at Shepard and saw the interested look on her face. It seemed that she hadn't yet talked to the rather probing young psychologist. ”Yeah, she's great at parties. Psychoanalysis and all that. She's like your little pet secretary,” I ignored the slight glare, ”she'll even fetch,” and I proceeded to ignore the full-out glare, but then decided against it and sighed. ”Look, so far she just hasn't made a good impression on me – too nosy. She tried to get me talking about my… condition and how it made me 'feel' and all that, and she's been pushing ever since. I don't talk about it. She doesn't seem to understand that.”

A look of understanding and pity came over Shepard's face, and I found myself struggling not to snarl at it. That look of pity pissed me way off, just like it pissed Jeff off. His memories had obviously carried some emotion to them. I waved my hand vaguely and turned my chair back around. It was a bit childish, but I felt I was entitled to a little bit of that. ”See you 'round Commander… and it's good to have you back.”

I hoped my comment at the end made up for brushing her off, and if the soft smile I saw reflected in the windows of the c_o_c_kpit was anything to go by then it had. The moment she'd walked off, I presumed to talk to everybody else, I routed a call through to the medical bay and did something that I thought should have been done a long, long time ago. It seemed stupid for it to not have happened – I mean, common sense, right? ”Joker?”

Karin sounded rather surprised to see my face, but almost immediately a worried look crossed her features. I had to stifle an 'aing to see me beforehand.

”Yeah… look, I know to get the full treatment it'll cost a few thousand credits, but I've got a hundred thousand in my savings account,” due to living on a ship with minimum living costs… and being the best damn pilot in the Alliance I'll have you know, ”and I was wondering if you'd be able to purchase the required equipment for heavy bone-weave treatment for me.”

She looked almost appalled, not that I was suggesting it I assumed, but due to the fact that she hadn't ever thought of it before. ”I… well James that's actually a… well, a very, very good idea… one hundred thousand is more than enough, way more than enough-”

”Well then a heavy muscle weave would be in order too – I want to be in peak physical condition as soon as humanly possible.” A few taps later and a beep came from her end of the line as I transferred the credits, and her eyes widened. ”I want the best,” I interrupted with my explanation, ”not just the first level of treatment. I want the whole line.” God it felt like I was on a shopping spree. ”And two more things,” I added after a moment, drawing a look of dazed disbelief from the grey-haired woman, ”I want this to be kept way on the down-low; just between you and me, and also… how long is this going to take?”

I was then treated to an explanation that showed me just how far medicine had come since my time. One week was all it would take for all of the procedures to be performed; one, single week to cure a crippling disease that 'Joker' had had for his entire life. Why he hadn't done what I'd done I'd never know. For the next ten hours I piloted the ship to the Citadel where we'd be staying for two weeks as Shepard busied herself with talks with the head-bangingly-stubborn Council and filled up with supplies, and the moment we docked I hobbled painfully down to the med-bay before being directed to one of the hard tables where I promptly fell asleep.

When I next woke up I found that getting a nail through my foot three years ago was nothing. During the first procedure the stress of the surgery had broken several bones – though I was assured that now my bones were latticed with the first treatment of synthetic weave I wouldn't ever have to experience that again. Apparently by the time I had the last procedure I'd be lucky if a Krogan tackling me would even manage to bend a bone at all. Shepard, bless her cotton socks, if they wore them any more of course, visited me every day before heading to her cabin and collapsing after her mind-numbingly boring and tiring days. She thought I was down there for falling down the stairs and breaking some bones on the way, and neither Karin nor I told her otherwise. We had to finish the bone-enhancement before starting on the muscular, as the extra stress would be detrimental, but we eventually got there after eight days of aches and pains.

Standing on my own two feet again without the agony or the need to hunch over when walking was fabulous, even though I'd only had to put up with a few hours of pain in total - discounting Jeff Moreau's memories of course. Some basic exercises and tests later and I was finally discharged feeling better than I had in my entire life. The extra power I had at my beck and call was exhilarating. Jeff worked out in the ship's gym in the cargo bay regularly to keep his strength up to support his brittle and frail bones, and so my appearance down there didn't get too many odd looks – apart from the suspicious ones because I was grinning like an idiot and there was just something different about me that they couldn't place.

Shepard was hammering a punching bag nearby, and the rest of the crew were staying well clear as she grumbled about 'Udina' 'punch the stupid f_u_c_k in the face' 'tear the smug bastard's flanges off' and other such niceties. ”Up for a spar Commander?”

And there went the bombshell. All noise ceased, and Shepard froze mid-punch to stare at me, at least until a smirk came to her lips. ”Joker, I could shake your hand and beat you in a spar.”

”Want to bet on that Commander? One thousand credits says that I can make you tap out.”

A few whistles met my rather confident statement, and I watched as Shepard narrowed her eyes at me. I might have gone back to my 'cripple slouch' for a moment as she scoured me for any clues as to why I was so eager to get my bones snapped. She found none after a moment before nodding and looking uneasy, and I grinned before walking to the sparring circle, a rather crude line drawn on the floor with black paint, and started strapping on the familiar gloves. I'd been doing martial arts since I was eight, forgot to mention that, and then branched off into boxing, wrestling, and finally into MMA when I was fourteen. I'd won my national championship and come fifth internationally for my age group, and then promptly decided that I was bored of it when I was seventeen where I dropped out of the competitive circuit.

That sure as hell didn't mean I didn't still have it though.

I could see the uncertainty in Shepard's eyes as she looked at me gearing up, though had to hide a smirk when I shucked off my Cerberus shirt; leaving me in just shorts. I caught a look of her frank appreciation and attraction for nearly two seconds before she marshaled herself back into her stoic'ish persona, and after tapping her gloves together she stepped into the ring. The gloves were barely padded; made just to keep the knuckles from really receiving a beating, and I followed her soon after, tapping my gloves together to gauge their thickness. The last thing I wanted to do was break something – and I wasn't talking about me.

By this point almost the entire ship had gathered to watch the frail, sickly pilot face off against the Great Commander Shepard – please take note of the capitalisation there – and I felt a little self-conscious for a moment. Jeff's memories had Shepard fighting in them, hand-to-hand in the gym, and while her technique was alright it was more brawling than anything else. I, however, had nearly ten years of practice under my belt; enhanced muscles; and I was ready. ”You sure about this Joker?” she asked, and it didn't take much to detect the almost pleading tone underneath. She might just as well have said 'Joker, please don't do this'.

I grinned and nodded, and she let out a deep breath before getting her guard up and crouching slightly. It was apparent to everybody including me that she wasn't taking this seriously, because normally she'd just go for it; all out. I'd work her up to it. I bounced on my toes a couple of times, eliciting an expectant wince from Shepard and most of the crew, and then crouched into my favourite beginning stance; one that would allow me to branch out into nearly all of my respective fighting disciplines with minimal movement.

That got a few more surprised looks, and Shepard finally got the hint and advanced. She moved slowly, cautiously, and not because she was afraid of me. Afraid for me, yes. I rolled my eyes and darted forwards, smacking her hard in the shoulder and making her fall to the ground on her arse – eliciting gaping jaws and wide eyes. Shepard was not excluded in this. I saw Chakwas at the back of the group stifling her giggles. I didn't even need to shake my hand; hell, it was barely even a love-tap. ”Come on Shep, off your bum.” It took a second for my words to register, but when they did she rolled to her feet and stared at me before narrowing her eyes and crouching deeper. I grinned widely, ”Now that's more like it.” She came with a right hook to my ribs, and I stepped aside before swiping her feet out from underneath her whereupon she found herself sitting on her arse, and a lovely arse it was, once again.

”You're leaving your guard open when you attack,” I said casually as I picked a bit of dirt out from underneath my fingernail, ”so let's try that again, shall we?” Now she was glaring as she stood up, and I smiled again before reacting to her sudden attack. This time she threw a powerful punch to my face, which I used my forearm to stop dead in its tracks. Her shock gave me another moment to move, and it took me nary a second to get her against my back and flip her right over my shoulder. I heard her breath whoosh out of her in a pained huff, and stepped back as I looked down at her with a small smile on my face.

I didn't bother commenting; she was mad now, which meant that I was actually going to finally fight the Great Commander Shepard and not the watered down version she apparently reserved for cripples. I saw credits passing around the crew over Omni-tools and grinned; I wonder how many people were betting on me? Once she'd calmed her spasming diaphragm she rushed me, and in a flurry of kicks, punches, and in a few cases attempted head-butts. She was all over me. In a purely platonic sense of course. It didn't mean I couldn't appreciate the feel of her b_r_e_a_s_ts the few times she was pressed up against me.

So she attacked and attacked, and I parried and parried as she wore herself slowly out. Despite the muscular enhancements however it was clear that she was fitter than I was, and it got to the point where I knew that if I didn't stop mucking around she would probably outlast me. Trapping her arm in a lock wasn't so hard when she got sloppy with a jab to my ribs, her other arm came soon after, and then a head-butt from my side which left her dazed – more than enough for me to push her backwards, roll over her, and then flip her over me to slam into the ground; winding her again. A leisurely couple of seconds later and I had both her arms locked behind her back as she struggled to get regain her breath; my knee on her lower back to prevent her legs from getting any action against me.

She struggled for several moments, but hauling her arms up closer to her shoulder-blades made her acutely aware that if I wanted to I could dislocate both her shoulders and leave her helpless. I finally got a defeated tap on my hand, and immediately let her go before rolling off her and back onto my feet before offering her a hand up. She stared at me for several seconds before brushing it angrily aside and walking off with a deep scowl on her face and the entire room was quiet until the doors closed behind her on the elevator.

And then pandemonium burst out. It took me broadcasting over the PA system in the cargo bay to shut them up, and I looked out at them before rubbing my brow. I'd just wanted to show Shepard that I wasn't a useless, frail cripple anymore – not to piss her off, embarrass, or humiliate her in front of the crew – which is apparently what I went and did. ”Look everybody, I went and had some elective surgery to correct my Vrolik syndrome and wanted to prove something. In no way did I mean to undermine Shepard's combat proficiency, and I just want to remind you that I haven't. Shepard would kick my a_s_s in war strategy, team leading, firearms, decision making… all that, she'd kick my a_s_s pretty damn quickly. Quicker than I beat her here today. I just so happen to know martial arts, and boxing, and wrestling. She just so happens to have only taken Alliance and N7 hand-to-hand combat classes. Now if you'll excuse me I have a Commander to go and explain and apologise to.”

Without waiting for an answer, and rolling my eyes at Miranda's suspicious glare, I walked over to the elevator and punched the button for the first floor. ”Commander Shepard has locked down her quarters, Mister White.”

”Well then unlock her quarters.”

”That is against my protocol, Mister White.”

It took me less than five seconds to hack the elevator mechanism and trick it into thinking it was a floor below the current one… even though that floor didn't exist. Punching the button for the CIC then got me to Shepard's quarters, and her door really wasn't that much of a challenge. The moment it hissed open however I had to dodge a fist to the face, and then a flurry of jabs and kicks. Apparently EDI had seen fit to inform the good Commander that I was on my way up. Since I was no longer in front of the crew and wasn't trying to prove I wasn't so easily broken I took her out within ten seconds; kicking her onto her bed and then putting her in much the same hold I'd gotten her in down in the Cargo Bay.

”Now Commander,” I chastised mildly, ”I came up here to apologise – not get beaten up.”

She glared up at me, and I had to admit that she looked damn cute when she was all flushed and pissed off. ”Get. Off. Me.”

”Am I gonna get my face smashed in if I do?”

”Likely,” she snarked back, and I felt one of my eyebrows rise.