Part 9 (1/2)
”Did it hurt me? Did I cry and bleed?”
”I don't remember Probably”
She didn't cut the other children's When I asked cousins and other Chinese children whether their ues loose, they said, ”What?”
”Why didn't you cut ues?”
”They didn't need it”
”Why not? Were theirs longer than et to work?”
Ifshe should have cut more, scraped away the rest of the frenu Or she should not have cut at all, taarten and had to speak English for the first time, I became silent A dumbness-a shame-still cracks my voice in two, even when I want to say ”hello” casually, or ask an easy question in front of the check-out counter, or ask directions of a bus driver I stand frozen, or I hold up the line with the co out at ith ”What did you say?” says the cab driver, or ”Speak up,” so I have to perforain, only weaker the second time A telephone call e It spoils ust when I hearout into the open It h Recently I asked the postman for special-issue staive ress, a little every day
My silence was thickest-total-during the three years that I covered s with black paint I painted layers of black over houses and flowers and suns, and when I drew on the blackboard, I put a layer of chalk on top I was e curtain, and it was the moment before the curtain parted or rose The teachers called, all alike and black The teachers pointed to the pictures and looked serious, talked seriously too, but lish (”The parents and teachers of criminals were executed,” said my father) My parents took the pictures home I spread them out (so black and full of possibilities) and pretended the curtains were swinging open, flying up, one after another, sunlight underneath,the first silent year I spoke to no one at school, did not ask before going to the lavatory, and flunked kindergarten My sister also said nothing for three years, silent in the playground and silent at lunch There were other quiet Chinese girls not of our faot over it sooner than we did I enjoyed the silence At first it did not occur to arten I talked at home and to one or two of the Chinese kids in class I made motions and even made some jokes I drank out of a toy saucer when the water spilled out of the cup, and everybody laughed, pointing at me, so I did it some more I didn't know that Aro students (Black Ghosts) best because they laughed the loudest and talked to irls had her hai-style like hai twins except that she was covered with black like ro kids enrolled in Chinese school, and the teachers gave thero kids walkedme frouh They appeared one day in kindergarten, released from concentration camp, which was a tic-tac-toe mark, like barbed wire, on the map
It hen I found out I had to talk that school became a misery, that the silence became a misery I did not speak and felt bad each tih, and heard the barest whisper with little squeaks come out of my throat ”Louder,” said the teacher, who scared the voice away again The other Chinese girls did not talk either, so I knew the silence had to do with being a Chinese girl
Reading out loud was easier than speaking because we did not have to make up what to say, but I stopped often, and the teacher would think I'd gone quiet again I could not understand ”I” The Chinese ”I” has seven strokes, intricacies How could the A a hat like the Chinese, have only three strokes, the ht? Was it out of politeness that this writer left off strokes the way a Chinese has to write her own name small and crooked? No, it was not politeness; ”I” is a capital and ”you” is lower-case I stared at thatfor its black center to resolve into tight strokes and dots that I forgot to pronounce it The other troubleso on to, and so flat, when ”here” is two raphs The teacher, who had already told me every day how to read ”I” and ”here,” put ain, where the noisy boys usually sat
When rade class did a play, the whole class went to the auditoriuirls The teacher, lovely and Hawaiian, should have understood about us, but instead left us behind in the classroom Our voices were too soft or nonexistent, and our parents never signed the per unnecessary We opened the door a crack and peeked out, but closed it again quickly One of us (notthe Hawaiian teacher, ”We Chinese can't sing 'land where our fathers died'” She argued with me about politics, while I meant because of curses But how can I have that mehosts, have no ar boxes, in which we had arranged books, brushes, and an inkbox neatly, and went to Chinese school, froether, voices rising and falling, loud and soft, soether and not alone with one voice When we had a memorization test, the teacher let each of us come to his desk and say the lesson to hi or tracing Most of the teachers were men The boys ere so well behaved in the American school played tricks on theirls were notrecess, when there were no rules; they had fist-fights nobody was afraid of children hurting thelass doors to the red and green balconies with the gold joy symbols were left wide open so that we could run out and cli in the auditoriu at the back of the stage, the Chinese flag on their left and the Aht We cli leaps off the stage One flag headquarters was behind the glass door and the other on stage right Our feet dru recess the teachers locked themselves up in their office with the shelves of books, copybooks, inks from China They drank tea and warmed their hands at a stove There was no play supervision At recess we had the school to ourselves, and also we could roao-don, Chinatown stores, ho There we chanted together, voices rising and falling, loud and soft, soether and not alone with one voice When we had a memorization test, the teacher let each of us come to his desk and say the lesson to hi or tracing Most of the teachers were men The boys ere so well behaved in the American school played tricks on theirls were notrecess, when there were no rules; they had fist-fights nobody was afraid of children hurting thelass doors to the red and green balconies with the gold joy symbols were left wide open so that we could run out and cli in the auditoriu at the back of the stage, the Chinese flag on their left and the Aht We cli leaps off the stage One flag headquarters was behind the glass door and the other on stage right Our feet dru recess the teachers locked themselves up in their office with the shelves of books, copybooks, inks from China They drank tea and warmed their hands at a stove There was no play supervision At recess we had the school to ourselves, and also we could roao-don, Chinatown stores, ho
At exactly 7:30 the teacher again picked up the brass bell that sat on his desk and swung it over our heads, while we charged down the stairs, our cheering nified in the stairwell nobody had to line up
Not all of the children ere silent at American school found voice at Chinese school One new teacher said each of us had to get up and recite in front of the class, as to listen My sister and I had memorized the lesson perfectly We said it to each other at ho The teacher called on my sister to recite first It was the first tio first My sister was scared She glanced at me and looked away; I looked down at my desk I hoped that she could do it because if she could, then I would have to She opened her mouth and a voice came out that wasn't a whisper, but it wasn't a proper voice either I hoped that she would not cry, fear breaking up her voice like twigs underfoot She sounded as if she were trying to sing though weeping and strangling She did not pause or stop to end the e until she said the last word, and then she sat down When it wason broken legs You could hear splinters in ainst one another I was loud, though I was glad I didn't whisper There was one little girl hispered
You can't entrust your voice to the Chinese, either; they want to capture your voice for their own use They want to fix up your tongue to speak for them ”How much less can you sell it for?” we have to say Talk the Sales Ghosts down Make the at the laundry when a delivery boy castore around the corner He had a pale blue box of pills, but nobody was sick Reading the labelthat it belonged to another Chinese family, Crazy Mary's family ”Not ours,” said my father He pointed out the name to the Delivery Ghost, who took the pills back My er boiled over ”That ghost! That dead ghost! How dare he co house?” She could not concentrate on her ry e We've got to avenge this wrong on our future, on our health, and on our lives nobody's going to sicken et aith it” We brothers and sisters did not look at one another She would do so She'd already been hinting that during the next eclipse we sla the -the-ed lids at the last eclipse and the shadow kept receding anyway, she'd said, ”The villagersvery loudly back hoed lids at the last eclipse and the shadow kept receding anyway, she'd said, ”The villagersvery loudly back home in China”
(”On the other side of the world, they aren't having an eclipse, Mama That's just a shadow the earth makes when it comes between thewhat those Ghost Teachers tell you Look at the size of the jaws!”) ”Aha!” she yelled ”You! The biggest” She was pointing at store”
”What do you wantone cent Go and o I don't kno to do that There are no such things as curses They'll think I' you responsible for bringing a plague on this faet there?” I said, sullen, trapped ”Do I say, 'Your delivery boydelivery I want you to make them rectify their cri stinky censers around the counter, at the druggist, at the custoist I couldn't stand her plans
”You get reparation candy,” she said ”You say, 'You have tainted my house with sick medicine and must remove the curse with sweetness' He'll understand”
”He didn't do it on purpose And no, he won't, Mother They don't understand stuff like that I won't be able to say it right He'll call us beggars”
”You just translate” She searchedany h to buy the candy and coiist Be cute and small No one hurts the cute and s in his white druggist coat
”Tatatagiist leaned way over the counter and frowned ”Soive sa lady,” he said
”My ive us candy She said that is the way the Chinese do it”
”What?”
”That is the way the Chinese do it”
”Do what?”
”Do things” I felt the weight and iist
”Can I give you some money?” he asked
”No, ant candy”
He reached into a jar and gave ave us candy all year round, year after year, every tiists or clerks waited on us, they also gave us candy They had talked us over They gave us Halloween candy in December, Christmas candy around Valentine's day, candy hearts at Easter, and Easter eggs at Halloween ”See?” said our mother ”They understand You kids just aren't very brave” But I knew they did not understand They thought ere beggars without a home who lived in back of the laundry They felt sorry for us I did not eat their candy I did not go inside the drugstore or walk past it unless my parents forced ist put candy in the ists norht the Druggist Ghosts a lesson in good manners (which is the same word as ”traditions”)
My mouth went permanently crooked with effort, turned down on the left side and straight on the right How strange that the e face to face My father asks, ”Why is it I can hear Chinese froe? Or is it they talk loud?” They turn the radio up full blast to hear the operas, which do not seeers that wail over the dru You can see the disgust on A at women like that It isn't just the loudness It is the way Chinese sounds, chingchong ugly, to American ears, not beautiful like japanese sayonara words with the consonants and vowels as regular as Italian Wenames you can't reuage is too soft and western h, visit, talk-story, and holler during a piano recital, as if the musician could not hear the Chopin, which has no punctuation, no cys Chinese piano music is five black keys Nor and bossy We Airls had to whisper to make ourselves American-feminine Apparently hispered even more softly than the Americans Once a year the teachers referred my sister and hten out, unpredictably norave up, shook our heads, and said nothing, not one word So e Most of us eventually found so We invented an Airl who could not speak up even in Chinese school
She was a year older than I and was inall those years she read aloud but would not talk Her older sister was usually beside her; their parents kept the older daughter back to protect the younger one They were six and seven years old when they began school Although I had flunked kindergarten, I was the sae as most other students in our class; e, so I had had a head start and caer sister was in the class below es and norirl, on the other hand, protected both daughters When it sprinkled, they kept the the e did But in other ere the same
We were similar in sports We held the bat on our shoulders until alked to first base (You got a strike only when you actually struck at the ball) Sometimes the pitcher wouldn't bother to throw to us ”Auto us on our way By fourth or fifth grade, though, some of us would try to hit the ball ”Easy out,” the other kids would say I hit the ball a couple of times Baseball was nice in that there was a definite spot to run to after hitting the ball Basketball confused ht the ball I didn't knoho ”Over here” Suddenly it would occur to hosts were on my team and which were on the other When the kids said, ”Autoirl as quieter than I kneeled with one end of the bat in each hand and placed it carefully on the plate Then she dusted her hands as she walked to first base, where she rubbed her hands softly, fingers spread She always got tagged out before second base She would whisper-read but not talk Her whisper was as soft as if she had nofroer or tension
I joined in at lunchtime when the other students, the Chinese too, talked about whether or not she was h obviously she was not if she could read aloud People told how they they had tried had tried their their best to be friendly best to be friendly They They said hello, but if she refused to ansell, they didn't see why they had to say hello anymore She had no friends of her own but followed her sister everywhere, although people and she herself probably thought I was her friend I also followed her sister about, as fairly normal She was almost two years older and read more than anyone else said hello, but if she refused to ansell, they didn't see why they had to say hello anymore She had no friends of her own but followed her sister everywhere, although people and she herself probably thought I was her friend I also followed her sister about, as fairly normal She was almost two years older and read er sister, the quiet one I hated her when she was the last chosen for her team and I, the last chosen for my team I hated her for her China doll hair cut I hated her at music time for the wheezes that came out of her plastic flute
One afternoon in the sixth grade (that year I was arrogant with talk, not knowing there were going to be high school dances and college seirl and her big sister stayed late after school for so, and the tetherball poles ravel The hooks at the rope ends were clinking against the poles We shouldn't have been so late; there was laundry work to do and Chinese school to get to by 5:00 The last time we had stayed late, my mother had phoned the police and told them we had been kidnapped by bandits The radio stations broadcast our descriptions I had to get hoain But soh in the schoolyard, the other children would have gone home and you could play with the equip one another through the playground and in and out of the base air raid drills (it was during the Korean War, which you knew about because every day the front page of the newspaper printed aup and down like ashade), we curled up in this basereen and had nothing in it but a long trough with drinking spigots in rows Pipes across the ceiling led to the drinking fountains and to the toilets in the next room When someone flushed you could hear the water and otherpipe above the drinking spigots There was one playrooirls' lavatory and one playroom for boys next to the boys' lavatory The stalls were open and the toilets had no lids, by which we knew that ghosts have no sense of shaes had already been turned off Daylight ca at the s I looked out and, seeing no one in the schoolyard, ran outside to cli on to the ers and toes
I did a flip off the fire escape and ran across the schoolyard The day was a great eye, and it was not paying much attention to me now I could disappear with the sun; I could turn quickly sideways and slip into a different world It see I would be able to fly As the afternoon wore on we could run into the forbidden places-the boys' big yard, the boys' playrooo into the boys' lavatory and look at the urinals The only ti school hours I had crossed the boys' yard hen a flatbed truck with a giant thing covered with canvas and tied doith ropes had parked across the street The children had told one another that it was a gorilla in captivity; we couldn't decide whether the sign said ”Trail of the Gorilla” or ”Trial of the Gorilla” The thing was as big as a house The teachers couldn't stop us fro to the wire mesh Now I ran across the boys' yard clear to the Cyclone fence and thought about the hair that I had seen sticking out of the canvas It was going to be su on too
I ran back into the girls' yard, and there was the quiet sister all by herself I ran past her, and she followed ainst cement and tile because of the taps I had nailed intoafter me There was no one in the lavatory but the two of us I ran all around the rows of twenty-five open stalls to make sure of that No sisters I think we ood at hiding by herself and usually followed her sister; they'd hide in the sa twilight, a child could hide and never be found
I stopped abruptly in front of the sinks, and she ca toward me before she could stop herself, so that she almost collided with me I walked closer She backed away, puzzle to talk,” I said,to the fa toaway and stood fixed
I looked into her face so I could hate it close up She wore black bangs, and her cheeks were pink and white She was baby soft I thought that I could put my thumb on her nose and push it bonelessly in, indent her face I could poke dih She stood still, and I did not want to look at her face anyility I walked around her, looked her up and down the way the Mexican and Negro girls did when they fought, so tough I hated her weak neck, the way it did not support her head but let it droop; her head would fall backward I stared at the curve of her nape I wished I was able to see what my own neck looked like from the back and sides I hoped it did not look like hers; I wanted a stout neck I grewto hide it in case it was a flower-stem neck I walked around to the front of her to hate her face some more