Chapter 83: Extra: Wenxu Jiang (2/2)

One day Wenxu Jiang was so drunk that he cut himself with a razor in the bathroom. In confusion, he seemed to see Zhishu He looking at him with a pair of pitiful and gentle eyes.

Wenxu Jiang started to hurt himself.

Jingwen Zhang was horrified when he met Wenxu Jiang again. It was early fall, Wenxu Jiang had already put on a formal suit, face looking like a corpse, with an aura of decadence around him. He was alive but Jingwen Zhang knew that Zhishu He had taken Wenxu Jiang's soul away, leaving an empty shell in this mortal world.

Wenxu Jiang was in denial but did he really not know that Zhishu He wouldn't come back? Jingwen Zhang knew Wenxu Jiang was making atonement. He couldn't allow himself to not suffer; he even thought the eternal agonizing wait was best for him.

Wenxu Jiang looked at Jingwen Zhang and said, ”I'll be leaving in two months. I'm gonna travel around the world. Help me with company stuff. Pay yourself however you like.”

”At least you are not saying that you don't want the company anymore.” Jingwen Zhang looked deep into his eyes and sighed lightly.

Wenxu Jiang shook his head and handed a pile of files to him. ”I wouldn't... You know this company pretty much belongs to Zhishu.”

Jingwen Zhang suddenly noticed that there was a stain on the sleeve of Wenxu Jiang's dark shirt as he reached out his hand, which scented blood close up.

Jingwen Zhang grabbed Wenxu Jiang's wrist and rolled up his sleeve forcefully. He was stunned, Wenxu Jiang's forearm was full of scars deep and light, some scabbed, some still bleeding, interweaving on his forearm. The scene was appalling.

Jingwen Zhang pushed Wenxu Jiang away and scolded him, teeth gnashed, ”Are you an idiot?! You are an adult. Why are you still acting like a self-hurting teenager?! Keep fucking yourself up, you!” Jingwen threw the files onto the ground, ”Now you act like a big lover. Where were you when he was around?”

Wenxu Jiang stood aside with a dead face, watching Jingwen Zhang smashing everything on the desk.

Jingwen Zhang stopped when a small bag dropped on the ground. He was shocked by this thing. He picked up that little pack of white powder and looked at Wenxu Jiang with sad and strange eyes.

Jingwen couldn't even get mad again. He stared at Wenxu Jiang for very long and asked in a low voice, ”Tell me, what is this?”

Wenxu Jiang's chest moved up and down intensely. As he slowly raised his head, Jingwen Zhang found this man crying. It was the cry of extreme grief. He even gritted his teeth to prevent the sound of cry. Wenxu Jiang opened his mouth, uttering the most despairing words, ”Jingwen... I... I honestly don't know what to do. Zhishu He wouldn't see me... Not even in my dreams... Do you know only when I'm drunk and my body and heart are in extreme pain, I get to see him in a trance? But that's not enough... You know druggies see the best illusions when they're high, right? As long as I can see him clearly again... I'm willing to trade my life.”

Jingwen Zhang sighed, ”Why would Zhishu He want to see you like this? Drug, huh? Zhishu He refused to see you when he was alive. He will still loathe you now that he's dead.”

This simple blame was unexpectedly stronger than a bang on Wenxu Jiang's head. His teeth started grinding, ”I haven't... I haven't used it... Don't say that. Zhishu will blame me if he hears you...”

Jingwen Zhang couldn’t say anything else. He didn't know how long Wenxu Jiang could last like this? He put the small bag in his pocket and closed his heavy eyes, ”When you come up with another stupid idea again... Think about Zhishu.”

Wenxu Jiang rested at home for another two weeks. He had no new scars. He started to tidy up the house and cook for two; to read books and watch movies that Zhishu He used to read and watch; to sleep with Zhishu He's clothes in his arms. He had put himself outside the world.

When he got better, he looked into a lot of travel guide books. After making all the arrangements, he bought a ticket to start his journey.

He went to many places in the following year, he saw a lot of things and met a lot of people but no matter how fascinating or lively everything was, when he turned his back on them, he had to carry all the loneliness again.

Afterwards, Wenxu Jiang took to writing letters to Zhishu He. He liked to write on long-distance green trains. He went to unpopular places during tourist off-season. The train was empty, as Wenxu Jiang wrote, and the sun left light shadows of his pen on the paper. That moment, Wenxu Jiang felt his chest was puffed up by the long-missing sense of happiness.

He felt Zhishu He was right next to him, sharing their secret feelings. The letters were mailed out with strong warm love and craving.

Wenxu Jiang didn't burn any of the letters he wrote to Zhishu He. In his eyes, Zhishu He was just on lonely vagrancy. He never filled in the addresses. He just mailed the letter aimlessly along with his hope and heart. He hoped that someday, his loved one would be able to read the letters and come back to him.

Wenxu Jiang's love for Zhishu He was different from Ziyu Ai's. Their relationship was more complicated because of all the wrong things that he did. The guilt and remorse on Wenxu Jiang was too heavy for him to forget.

Standing by Lake Baikal in Russia, Wenxu Jiang could feel his heartbeats, for the first time after Zhishu He was gone, were in synergy with some unknown world as he looked at the blue water. Wenxu Jiang asked himself for the first time that what if Zhishu He never came back? Would he wait forever?

Wenxu Jiang scooped a handful of water in a smile. He decided to wait another four years, to feel four years of pain and yearning Zhishu He once had, to make atonement. ‘And then? And then I will go find you, hell or high water, I will never let you go again.’

‘I will walk by your side forever and ever.’