4 Chapter 1A (1/2)

”You need not be ashamed of your tears” - Charles Dickens

September 1st 2013; 10:08pm

Mr. Dickens was a wise man and had a way with words, that quote being just one of many he had to offer, but frankly I wouldn't know. I, on the other hand, never seem to know what to say. It just so happens that the quote above confused me deeply.

Is it that we should not hide ourselves when we cry?

Or that we should not be afraid to cry in the open, in front of a lot of people? The question I ask myself is why we should not be ashamed of our tears; in my opinion, crying symbolizes weakness and vulnerability, but if there is anything I've learned after all that happened in the past year is that weakness only gives way for hurt and pain.

That is why it is important to keep up a wall that would stop any emotion from reaching the heart, only for its strings to be toyed with. Everyone has felt some sort of emotion, both good and bad, but when the bad starts to outweigh the good, the wall starts to build slowly until it's too far gone, such that any normal person would forget why they started building it in the first place.

Now that's where I come in.

I'm not normal, never have been, probably never will be which is why even when my wall is built too high, I keep going because I've experienced way too many of the wrong kind of emotions and no matter what anyone says, you learn that it's easier not to let anyone in.

I learned that the hard way.

See, when I say I'm not normal, I mean it in every sense of the word. It's the weirdest thing but as unbelievable as it is, I've never shed a single tear.

Truthfully, I don't cry. I've never cried.