Chapter 53: Fashion Disaster (1/2)

As it turned out, Wardrobe had an entire floor of Il Migliore’s tower dedicated to her.

Ryan and the Panda waited inside an elevator, as it slowly climbed towards their destination. The duo could see the sun illuminate New Rome through a glass window, Ryan glancing at Rust Town while his sidekick sang a Spider-man cartoon tune to himself.

It was May 10th, and Psyshock would soon attack the orphanage.

Ryan’s cell phone buzzed to the tune of I Got You, Babe, drawing him out of his reverie. “Quicksave Deliveries, yes?” he said while answering the unknown caller. “We will deliver your mail, no matter how many corpses it takes!”

“There is a logic in this world,” Fortuna’s furious voice said on the other end of the line. “Everything that can go well for me in this universe, does. You violated the natural order!”

“Wait, how did you get this number?” Ryan asked, curious but not surprised.

“I typed it at random.” Goddamnit, her ability was overpowered. She could probably stumble onto the Dynamis conspiracy by sheer luck if she wanted to. “Nobody talks to me like that, Quicksave! I have men throwing themselves at my feet, millionaires, celebrities—”

Ryan hung up on her. “Who was it, Sifu?” his panda disciple asked him.

“A loony fan,” the courier replied dismissively, even as Lucky Girl kept trying to call him.

“Oh, I had one of those too! She tried to kidnap the Panda because she loved his smooth fur. The Panda… the Panda had to run.”

“Couldn’t you... you know…” Ryan looked into his eyes. “Eat her?”

“I-I can only eat bamboo in panda form, Sifu! Meat makes me want to vomit!”

The Danish warlord Nidhogg had drunk a Green Elixir and became a kilometers-long, near-invulnerable serpent. While Timmy drank the same kind of potion, only to become… that.

There was no fairness in this world.

“Sifu, why are you looking at me like that?” the Panda asked, a little anxious.

Ryan sighed and put a hand on the poor animal’s shoulder. “I will always support you, young disciple. No matter what.”

“I…” Ryan thought the Panda might start crying. “Thank you, Sifu.”

The elevator finally reached Wardrobe’s floor and the duo stepped inside.

After the ascent, Ryan had expected something luxurious, but nothing like this. The rugs in the welcoming hall had probably cost a fortune, all the chairs were made of refined leather, and the walls had been covered with artistic designs like an art gallery. Fashion and girlie mags were piled up on fancy wooden tables.

“Come in!” Wardrobe called them from another room. The new hero team followed her voice and passed in front of shooting studios, including darkrooms, props, and various photography equipment.

Eventually, they made their way to a lobby whose walls were covered with thousands of model pictures and cloth designs. Wardrobe was facing a tough customer around a table, a paper sheet and pencil in hand.

“No!” Felix the Atom Cat said, sinking in his chair in front of the hero fashion designer. “I’m not wearing a cat latex suit!”

“Felix, don’t be a child,” Wardrobe protested, “it would be form-fitting, and won’t restrict your movements in a fight.”

The young hero crossed his arms and pouted. “My outfit is good enough.”

“What? How can you say something that stupid! You take that back!”

“Personally, I suggest a Valentino suit with a cat-themed tie, but I think the outfit is already taken,” Ryan mused out loud, waving a hand at the heroes. “Hi, I’m Quicksave, and this is my trusty Panda sidekick.”

“Oh, hello, I’m Atom Cat,” Felix replied, a bit gruffer than usual. Ryan had missed him.

“Hi, I’m Wardrobe! But you can call me Yukiko, or ‘Yuki’ for short!” She was Japanese, huh? Ryan would have said Korean. She smiled brightly at the two, making her unbearably adorable. “Nice to meet you! Please have a seat!”

“She’s so cute…” the Panda muttered under his breath, before trying to sound dignified. “The Panda greets you too!”

“You’re the new guys, right?” Felix asked as they joined the fashion debate. “Shouldn’t you be at the newbie seminar or something?”

“Shouldn’t you, kitten?” Ryan asked back.

“Don’t tell me,” he sighed. “I’m supposed to waste time watching corporate videos instead of actually doing hero work.”

“We are doing hero work right now,” Wardrobe said, looking at the Augusti rebel’s white gymnast clothes. “Wearing this is a crime against humanity, Felix. Follow Quicksave’s example! Look at that perfect color nuance and this fancy noir trench coat. His costume stands for something greater than him!”

“Thank you,” Ryan said. “I am so glad to finally meet someone civilized in this savage wilderness.”

Atom Cat wasn’t convinced though. “I will take practical over fancy any day.”

“That’s what she said,” Ryan replied, Wardrobe chuckling while Atom Cat rolled his eyes. “Anyway, I am told you will be my goddess as far as fashion goes, but I’m not yet ready to believe in you.”

“Don’t worry about that, Quicksave, I got your costume covered,” she said while drawing on a blank paper sheet with her pencil. “I thought about a Valentino-style suit with artificial fibers, but the more I thought of it, the more I realized I should use a better material. One that fits you.”

“Cashmere?” Ryan asked, hopeful.

“Cashmere, my thought exactly,” Wardrobe said with a nod, revealing herself as an island of sanity in a world gone mad. “Dark purple, with a fancy black turtleneck underneath. And a bowler hat.”

“Oh, no,” the courier suddenly hit the brakes, before she went too far. “That’s too extreme and violent.”

“I thought the same, but I found a solution.”

She raised the sheet before the group, Ryan, the Panda, and even Atom Cat observing her sketch. “Instead of a corporate tie, we’re going to add a wool scarf,” Wardrobe pointed her pencil at the neck. “Light violet, almost pinkish, with tiny clock symbols everywhere.”

The costume… it was wonderful. The perfect blend of modern fashion and Victorian-style dandiness.

A pinkish bright scarf instead of a tie? That was a stroke of genius! Why didn’t Ryan ever think of that?!

“It’s wonderful,” the courier whispered as if facing a divine revelation.

“I know! The scarf will restrain the bowler hat’s energy, symbolizing the conflict between your violent spirit and society’s rules! Can you truly live up to your duty to the law, or will you stay true to your wild, single-minded pursuit of justice? That’s your message. That’s your conflict.” Wardrobe pointed at the drawing. “That’s your costume.”

“How about my bipolarity?” Ryan asked, now giddy. “What do you do about my bipolarity?”

“We paint your metal mask silver and black, light and darkness coexisting without ever mixing!”

“I have been converted! Yours is the one true faith!”

“Oh God, there’s two of them now,” Felix complained. “We’re doomed.”

“What about me?” The Panda asked, hopeful. “Can you make a costume worthy of the Panda’s pure awesomeness?”

“Yes, I can!” Wardrobe replied with enthusiasm. “I thought about leaving you shirtless, with two bullet bandoliers around the chest.”

“Bullet bandoliers?” Timmy’s face deflated. “But I don’t know how to shoot!”

“It’s not about whether you can use it or not,” Ryan enlightened him. “It's about looking cool!”

“Exactly!” Wardrobe agreed while writing down a new sketch. “So I say, two bandoliers around your chest, a green beret, black shorts that will adjust to your transformation, and maybe a pair of sunglasses. You’re no longer just a panda. You’re Rambo Panda, the last of your kind, fighting an eternal war for the future!”

She showed them the sketch, and even Ryan had to admit, it looked like one manly Chinese bear. When he glanced at Wardrobe and remembered how Mortimer had dared kill this gift to mankind from the heavens, the courier couldn’t help but feel sorrow.

“You are a national treasure that must be protected,” Ryan told Wardrobe. “And you will be! I swear you will be!”

“Oh, thanks!” she said with a bright smile. “It’s okay, I get that all of the time!”

“I… I will finally impress the girls in this.” The Panda looked at the costume, utterly mesmerized. “What about the car? Can we get a pandamobile?”