84 Diary: Memories From The Youth 2 (1/2)

(Han's POV)

When I said that to my father, he made a dumbfound face, they were all confused. He asked me again, ”Hanzo, my son, don't you remember anything?”

I looked at the man in front of me and began to frown even more. I said to him, ”I'm...not Hanzo, I'm...Han.”

My father consults my changing behavior to the doctor and he said that perhaps due to shock from an unfortunate incident. Thus, led him to lose some of his memories and subconsciously reject the name of Hanzo. He advised the parent so that they need to cooperate with Hanzo's behavior until he'll get better.

But that was not the case. I as Han knew Hanzo personality well. He was suffering from his shock and recuperate inside me. In short, he suffered DID[1] or Personality Disorder and I 'was' his double personality.

I didn't tell my parent about that stuff until the last incident with my father, later in my high school year. It was a secret that I kept from my parent at that time, except for some people who accidentally knows it.

Therefore, yes, this was the story before Han's personality merge with Hanzo's personality and became one person. That is me, the new Hanzo or should I say Han, now.

...

Han or I, Hanzo's double personality who was born from his shocked and became his split personality which was different from the original. It was all to protect him from his cowardness, yes, I thought like that.

But, it was true.

My father and my mother didn't realize my changes. They thought I was just feeling afraid or confused and denied everything that happened to me. So, they didn't feel suspicious at all.

The 'act' keep going until I was a teenager.

Hanzo didn't want to come out. He started to hate himself more when his parent announced that his grandmother, passed away. She died not because of the last incident, it was due to a heart attack. She died the same way as her husband.

In that sad time, where people mourning to her grave. I as Hanzo replace him to attend the funeral. I didn't cry because I didn't feel attached to her. But, Hanzo kept blaming himself. He said, ”My grandma was dead because I killed her, I killed her, I killed her.”

Inside the black space, I looked at him without any emotion and began to frown. He was holding his knee and crying. I felt sorry for him but at the same time, I didn't understand why he behaves like this? He wasn't the one who killed her.

He didn't want to be himself again and stay there in the dark place. While I was doing his activities outside.

After the funeral, my family pick up me and moved to Osaka again. My mother stays with me while my father went back overseas. He was still doing his mission.

At that time, he rushed over to Japan, abandoning his unsettled mission, when he heard his mother and son was in the hospital. It was the same for my mother. She started to cry when I lay on the hospital bed and couldn't remember her or father.

In one year, I recover my body slowly and living as a normal boy in elementary school. But it seems I couldn't make any friends. The girls started hovering to my side, but I always showed my scary expression and it led them to cry or ran away.

No one wanted to be my friends.

I didn't know why but I always subconsciously showed the frown face to them, maybe my instinct tells me that some of the people who get near me, sometimes showed a double meaning intention.

In short, they have something they want for me. Wanted to try, taking advantages of me as general son or heir of Asuzawa group and etc.

In the same time, I began to develop to not trust a female. Except, for the one, I truly care about. Like my mother and my baby sister who was born after I moved to Osaka.

Every time someone approaches me, I put my guard and wall up to surround me for people to not intruding my personal space. That was the reason, the reason I didn't have friends. I was okay with it.

But Hanzo wasn't.

As days, months, years passed by. He still had that six-year-old personality, while I grew up and became mature than him. But, Hanzo, still had that understanding capability faster than mine and I could see he finally calm down and didn't blame himself anymore. (For now)