Part 15 (1/2)

Making a film, he says.

When he speaks he looks at his feet, but when he's listening he stares you in the eye. Kids throwing themselves in the tall gra.s.s. Lydia points out a rusty bedspring. I figure the kids know of it, but the eldest bangs his head on it. It's as if Lydia created the bedspring and then drew the boy to it. He rubs his head, says to his dad, I bashed me head in! but forgets it as he sees a white sail at the horizon. The man tells Lydia she can film anything she wants. His wife inside the house the whole time.

25 Life is the battle between attaining comfort and rebelling against it.

26 It's Friday and I am feeling a little sorry for myself. I wonder if everybody suffers this in their loneliness.

Lydia worked late and then we went to the s.h.i.+p. I had wanted to spend just ten minutes alone with her, but she wanted to go have a drink with the film crew. She said, Theyre all going down.

I didnt tell her I wanted the ten minutes.

When we got out of the car, she raised her face to mine to be kissed. And said: Youre a good boyfriend, you dont ignore me.

27 I overhear Maisie Pye and Daphne Yarn talk at the bar. Maisie says, Drinking does nothing for your relations.h.i.+p. It may be great for getting f.u.c.ked, but not to meet men.

Alex arrives and I ask how things are with Craig.

A disaster. I ended up in behind his house in the dark curled up in a ball, crying. My emotions are all over the place. I've got photographs. Of the canoe trip.

Oh, let's see.

There's one of Alex in her canoe navigating the rapids. Craig is lying down in the back with the paddle gently steering.

Alex: Now that tells you so much, doesnt it?

What.

Well, look at my arm, so stiff. Like I'm twelve and I'm trying to be cool.

I dont see it that way, Alex.

Wilf Jardine comes in and we watch him as he leans over to Lydia.

Excuse me, he says. While I kiss my wife.

Lydia, in bed. What did you think of Wilf saying Excuse me while I kiss my wife.

It was funny. But I wish he didnt feel like he was doing something wrong.

Good.

He didnt see me.

It's just for the past five days we've been married on-set. And he lives the part.

28 Lydia is at Craig Regular's now, playing crib. She has called. I say, You two alone?

Yes.

That's cozy.

She says she will be by soon. But she waits an hour. She waits on purpose until it's too late. I say this. She says, I dont want to be made uncomfortable on the phone. She doesnt have any friends. Any time she spends with friends I resent. And Craig's been a major help to her on-set. Any time we spend with other people she instigates. We fight for fifty minutes. And now she has gone home because she has a long day ahead.

I've got to lighten up. Cut her some slack, as she says. Saying cozy was out of line.

Iris in the house the entire time.

Lydia would prefer if I just asked if Craig was interested in her, was she interested in him, okay? Instead of this stuff. She said, If you were man enough.

She'd thought that Craig and I could be friends. She used to have a lot of male friends whom she didnt sleep with.

29 These days have been cold, the hills wearing hats of fog.

The whitecaps pus.h.i.+ng out the Narrows yesterday morning. The sea starts here. Unleas.h.i.+ng waves that will rush to Portugal.

The first strawberries ripened this morning. I gave one to Iris on a small white plate.

Feeling still so exhausted, beaten down. Max said, It's good to see you up in spirits. Last seven times I've seen you youve been in misery. I thought you'd forgotten how to be happy.

I feel worn out and unworthy. Not being strong enough. I had wanted so much to be big.

30 I ask Maisie if she sometimes found herself in an uncomfortable silence with Oliver. Often, she says, we'd be doing different things in the same room, but it was understood we were together.

But what if you were eating a meal together.

Maisie: I can remember that happening, but it's normal for a couple especially if they live together to run out of things to say. Eventually you know all about them. I asked Oliver once if he felt uncomfortable with anything, and he mentioned the mealtimes. At first he'd tried to fill in the lapses of conversation, but then he realized our main reason for eating was to have food. And then he was okay with it. The way I see it, a dinner party is when you converse, and dialogue is the prime reason for being together but regular meals are just to eat.

I tell her Oliver's having a hard time of it.

Maisie: I've heard.

I confess my despair. That my journal is full of it, and Maisie says, Well, Gabe. You have to write the low points as well.

31 It's the weekend of the food fishery, and Max invites me out.

Max: A pound a foot will hold a boat.

Meaning a forty-foot boat needs a forty-pound anchor.

He says that when he was young, he'd ask his father how he knew when to turn in to port in the fog. You couldnt see anything and they didnt have sonar. His father said, Well, son, I'm on my second chew now When that's gone, we turn in.

He was given his father's boat. Max has put in sonar. All the fis.h.i.+ng boats have a metal diamond on a mast that acts as a radar reflector.

We can see the cod sitting on the sonar screen, a white ma.s.s in the blue water above the orange seabed. The caplin are just below the surface. Out on the water, the puffins are feeding on the caplin.

We throw over our jiggers. We let the line down to the bottom, and then haul in about four feet. Then we jig.