Part 15 (2/2)
Yet wife is a word too weak to carry the truth of her; wife is such a small word, such a common word, a word that can come from a downturned mouth with so many petty, unpleasant echoes. For Padme Amidala, saying 1 am Anakin Skywalker's wife is saving neither more nor less than I am alive.
Her life before Anakin belonged to someone else, some lesser being to be pitied, some poor impoverished spirit who could never suspect how profoundly life should be lived.
Her real life began the first time she looked into Anakin Sky-walker's eyes and found in there not the uncritical wors.h.i.+p of little Annie from Tatooine, but the direct, unashamed, smoldering pa.s.sion of a powerful Jedi: a young man, to be sure, but every centimeter a man-a man whose legend was already growing within the Jedi Order and beyond. A man who knew exactly what he wanted and was honest enough to simply ask for it; a man strong enough to unroll his deepest feelings before her without fear and without shame. A man who had loved her for a decade, with faithful and patient heart, while he waited for the act of destiny he was sure would someday open her own heart to the fire in his.
But though she loves her husband without reservation, love does not blind her to his faults. She is older than he, and wise enough to understand him better than he does himself. He is not a perfect man: he is prideful, and moody, and quick to anger-but these faults only make her love him the more, for his every flaw is more than balanced by the greatness within him, his capacity for joy and cleansing laughter, his extraordinary generosity of spirit, his pa.s.sionate devotion not only to her but also in the service of every living being.
He is a wild creature who has come gently to her hand, a vine tiger purring against her cheek. Every softness of his touch, every kind glance or loving word is a small miracle in itself. How can she not be grateful for such gifts?
This is why she will not allow their marriage to become public knowledge. Her husband needs to be a Jedi. Saving people is what he was born for; to take that away from him would cripple every good thing in his troubled heart.
Now she holds him in their infinite kiss with both arms tight around his neck, because there is a cold dread in the center of her heart that whispers this kiss is not infinite at all, that it's only a pause in the headlong rush of the universe, and when it ends, she will have to face the future.
And she is terrified.
Because while he has been away, everything has changed.
Today, here in the hallway of the Senate Office Building, she brings him news of a gift they have given each other-a gift of joy, and of terror. This gift is the edge of a knife that has already cut their past from their future.
For these long years they have held each other only in secret, only in moments stolen from the business of the Republic and the war; their love has been the perfect refuge, a long quiet afternoon, warm and sunny, sealed away from fear and doubt, from duty and from danger. But now she carries within her a planetary terminator that will end their warm afternoon forever and leave them blind in the oncoming night.
She is more, now, than Anakin Skywalker's wife.
She is the mother of Anakin Skywalker's unborn child.
After an all-too-brief eternity, the kiss finally ended.
She clung to him, just breathing in the presence of him after so long, murmuring love against his broad strong chest while he murmured love into the coils of her softly scented hair.
Some time later, she found words again. ”Anakin, Anakin, oh my Anakin, II can't believe you're home. They told me . . ' She almost choked on the memory. ”There were whispers . . . that you'd been killed. I couldn't-every day-”
”Never believe stories like that,” he whispered. ”Never. I will always come back to you, Padme.”
”I've lived a year for every hour you were away-”
”It's been a lifetime. Two.”
She reached up to the burn-scar high on his cheek. ”You were hurt . . .”
”Nothing serious,” he said with half a smile. ”Just an unfriendly reminder to keep up with my lightsaber practice.”
”Five months.'' It was almost a moan. ”Five months-how could they do that to us?”
He rested his cheek lightly on the crown of her head. ”If the Chancellor hadn't been kidnapped, I'd still be out there. I'm almost-it's terrible to say it, but I'm grateful. I'm glad he was kidnapped. It's like it was all arranged just to bring me home again...”
His arms were so strong, and so warm, and his hand touched her hair in the softest caress, as though he was afraid she were as fragile as a dream, and he bent down for another kiss, a new kiss, a kiss that would wipe away every dark dream and all the days and hours and minutes of unbearable dread-But only steps away, the main vault of the Atrium still held Senators and HoloNet crews, and the knowledge of the price Anakin would pay when their love became known made her turn her face aside, and put her hands on his chest to hold him away. ”Anakin, not here. It's too risky.”
”No, here! Exactly here.” He drew her against him again, effortlessly overpowering her halfhearted resistance. ”I'm tired of the deception. Of the sneaking and the lying. We have nothing to be ashamed of! We love each other, and we are married. Just like trillions of beings across the galaxy. This is something we should shout, not whisper-”
”No, Anakin. Not like all those others. They are not Jedi. We can't let our love force you out of the Order-”
”Force me out of the Order?” He smiled down at her fondly ”Was that a pun?”
”Anakin-” He could still make her angry without even trying. ”Listen to me. We have a duty to the Republic. Both of us-but yours is now so much more important. You are the face of the Jedi, Anakin. Even after these years of war, many people still love the Jedi, and it's mostly because they love you, do you understand that? They love the story of you. You're like something out of a bedtime tale, the secret prince, hidden among the peasants, growing up without ever a clue of his special destiny-except for you it's all true. Sometimes I think that the only reason the people of the Republic still believe we can win the war is because you're fighting it for them-”
”And it always comes back to politics for you,” Anakin said. His smile had gone now. ”I'm barely even home, and you're already trying to talk me into going back to the war-”
”This isn't about politics, Anakin, it's about you.”
”Something has changed, hasn't it?” Thunder gathered in his voice. ”I felt it, even outside. Something has changed.” She lowered her head. ”Everything has changed.”
”What is it? What?” He took her by the shoulders now, his hands hard and irresistibly powerful. ”There's someone else. I can feel it in the Force! There is someone coming between us-”
”Not the way you think,” she said. ”Anakin, listen-”
”Who is it? Who?”
”Stop it. Anakin, stop. You'll hurt us.”
His hands sprang open as though she had burned them. He took an unsteady step backward, his face suddenly ashen. ”Padme-I would never-I'm so sorry, I just-”
He leaned on the pillar and brought a hand weakly to his eyes. ”The Hero With No Fear. What a joke . . . Padme, I can't lose you. I can't. You're all I live for. Wait. . .” He lifted his head, frowning quizzically. ”Did you say, us?”
She reached for him, and he came to meet her hand. Rising rears burned her eyes, and her lip trembled. ”I'm . . . Annie, I'm pregnant...”
She watched him as everything their child would mean cycled through his mind, and her heart caught when she saw first of all the wild, almost explosive joy that dawned over his face, because that meant that whatever he had gone through on the Outer Rim, he was still her Annie.
It meant that the war that had scarred his face had not scarred his spirit.
And she watched that joy fade as he began to understand that their marriage could not stay hidden much longer; that even the voluminous robes she wore could not conceal a pregnancy forever. That he would be cast out in disgrace from the Jedi Order. That she would be relieved of her post and recalled to Naboo. That the very celebrity that had made him so important to the war would turn against them both, making them the freshest possible meat for an entire galaxy full of scandalmongers. And she watched him decide that he didn't care. ”That is,” he said slowly, that wild spark returning to his eyes, ”... wonderful . . . Padme-that's wonderful. How long have you known?”
She shook her head. ”What are we going to do?”
”We're going to be happy, that's what we're going to do.
And we're going to be together. All three of us.”
”But-”
”No.” He laid a gentle finger on her lips, smiling down at her. ”No buts. No worries. You worry too much as it is.”
”I have to,” she said, smiling through the tears in her eyes. ”Because you never worry at all.”
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