Part 2 (1/2)

x.x.xI.--A HORSE LAUGH.

A COACHMAN, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed, that ”if anybody was to go for to use him ill, he would _bear malice_ like a _Christian_.”

x.x.xII.--ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.

DR. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the s.e.xton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the s.e.xton's misconduct, as to draw from him this expression: ”Sir, I thought you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as _I have covered so many blunders of yours_!”

x.x.xIII.--A NOVEL COMPLAINT.

A RICH man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician felt his pulse, and said, ”Do you eat well?”--”Yes,” said the patient.

”Do you sleep well?”--”I do.”--”Then,” said the physician, ”I shall give you something to take away _all that_!”

x.x.xIV.--A CONJUGAL CAUTION.

SIR GEORGE ETHEREGE, having run up a score at Lockit's, absented himself from the ordinary. In consequence of this, Mrs. Lockit was sent to dun him and threaten him with an action. He told the messenger that he would certainly kiss her if she stirred a step in it! On this, the message being brought, she called for her hood and scarf, and told her husband, who interposed, ”that she should see if there was any fellow alive that had the impudence!”--”Pr'ythee, my dear, don't be so rash,” replied the good man; ”you don't know what a man may do _in a pa.s.sion_.”

x.x.xV.--A PORTRAIT CAPITALLY EXECUTED.

IN a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the following article: ”Memoirs of Charles the First,--with, a _head capitally executed_.”

x.x.xVI.--MATTER IN HIS MADNESS.

A LUNATIC in Bedlam was asked how he came there? He answered, ”By a dispute.”--”What dispute?” The bedlamite replied, ”The world said I was _mad_; I said the world was _mad_, and they _outwitted me_.”

x.x.xVII.--PLEASANT INVITATION.

SOME years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a gentleman came to me to invite me to his house. ”I have,” says he, ”a picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. Little H. the other day came to see it, and says it is _a copy_. If any one says so again, I'll _break his head_. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favor to come, and give me _your real opinion of it_?”

x.x.xVIII.--WELL-BRED HORSE.

”HOW does your new-purchased horse _answer_?” said the late Duke of c.u.mberland to George Selwyn. ”I _really_ don't know,” replied George, ”for I never _asked him a question_.”

x.x.xIX.--”ONE FOR HIS n.o.b.”

A BARRISTER entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he was not at all apprised, but was obliged to endure from almost every observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself to Mr. Curran, he asked him, ”Do you see anything ridiculous in this wig.”--”Nothing but _the head_,” was the answer.

XL.--SOUND AND FURY.

A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonato on the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music?

”No, madam,” replied the doctor; ”but of all _noises_, I think music is the least disagreeable.”