Part 19 (1/2)

A YOUNG lady visiting in the family asked John at dinner for a potato.

John made no response. The request was repeated; when John, putting his mouth to her ear, said, very audibly, ”There's jist _twa_ in the dish, and they maun be _keepit_ for the strangers.”

CCCXLII.--EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.

THE following dialogue was lately heard at an a.s.size:--Counsel: ”What was the height of the horse?” Witness: ”Sixteen feet.” Counsel: ”How old was he?” Witness: ”Six years.” Counsel: ”How high did you say he was?”

Witness: ”Sixteen hands.” Counsel: ”You said just now sixteen _feet_.”

Witness: ”Sixteen _feet_! Did I say sixteen _feet_?” Counsel: ”You did.”

Witness: ”_If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet_!--you don't catch me crossing myself!”

CCCXLIII.--WAY OF THE WORLD.

DETERMINED beforehand, we gravely pretend To ask the opinion and thoughts of a friend; Should his differ from ours on any pretence, We pity his want both of judgment and sense; But if he falls into and flatters our plan, Why, really we think him a sensible man.

CCCXLIV.--A BROAD-SHEET HINT.

IN the parlor of a public-house in Fleet Street, there used to be written over the chimney-piece the following notice: ”Gentlemen learning to _spell_ are requested to use _yesterday's paper_.”

CCCXLV.--MODEST MERIT.

A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable company for an engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable of playing all the first line of business; but as for himself he was ”the worst actor in the world.” They were engaged, and the lady answered the character which he had given of her. The gentleman having the part of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, he asked the manager, indignantly, how could he put him in such a paltry part.

”Sir,” answered the other, ”here is your own letter, stating that you were the _worst_ actor in the world.”--”True,” replied the other, ”but then I had not _seen you_.”

CCCXLVI.--SOFT, VERY!

SOME one had written upon a pane in the window of an inn on the Chester road, ”Lord M----ms has the softest lips in the universe.--PHILLIS.”

Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it,--

”Then as like as two chips Are his head and his lips.--AMARILLIS.”

CCCXLVII.--CAMBRIDGE ETIQUETTE.

CAMBRIDGE etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following anecdote. A gownsman, one day walking along the banks of the Cam, observing a luckless son of his Alma Mater in the agonies of _drowning_, ”What a pity,” he exclaimed, ”that I have not had the honor of being _introduced_ to the gentleman; I might have saved him;” and walked on, leaving the poor fellow to his fate.

CCCXLVIII.--EPIGRAM.

(On interminable harangues.)

YE fates that hold the vital shears, If ye be troubled with remorse, And will not cut ----'s _thread of life_, Cut then the _thread of his discourse_.

CCCXLIX.--HALF-WAY.