Part 27 (1/2)

CDLx.x.xIII.--INGENUOUSNESS.

TWO young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported to him was true. ”General,” said one of them, ”_it is_; and we should have said much more if our _wine_ had not failed.”

CDLx.x.xIV.--A NEW SPORT.

QUIN thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why, gave this reason: ”Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with venison, and go a-_Quinning_, I should certainly bite; and what a sight should I be dangling in the air!”

CDLx.x.xV.--SYDNEY SMITH.

SYDNEY SMITH was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations, and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. ”Very good soup, this,”

said Mr. Smith. ”_Oui, monsieur, c'est excellente_,” was the reply.

”Pray, sir, do you _believe_ in a _cook_?” inquired Mr. Smith.

CDLx.x.xVI.--EPIGRAM ON THE DUKE OF ----'S CONSISTENCY.

THAT he's ne'er known to change his mind, Is surely nothing strange; For no one yet could ever find He'd any mind to change.

CDLx.x.xVII.--A FAIR PROPOSAL.

”WHY don't you take off your hat?” said Lord F---- to a boy struggling with a calf. ”So I wull, sir,” replied the lad; ”if your lords.h.i.+p will _hold_ my calf, I'll pull off my hat.”

CDLx.x.xVIII.--A DOUBTFUL CREED.

JUDGE MAULE, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, ”One of these defendants, Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion--of _what_ religion does not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of Christianity.” Severe.

CDLx.x.xIX.--A SATISFACTORY TOTAL.

A SCOTCH Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a ”denner tea,” as he called it, kept incessantly praising the ”haam,” and stating that ”Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was,” when the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. ”It's unco kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak'

it hame on the horse afore me.” When, on leaving, he mounted, and the ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. ”I think, mistress, _a cheese_ in the ither en' wad mak' _a gran'

balance_.” The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John Gilpin, he moved away with his ”balance true.”

CDXC.--GOOD RIDDANCE.

A CERTAIN well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a b.u.mper, and, addressing himself to the chairman, said, ”I give you the health, gentlemen all, of the _waiter_ that called my Lord ---- out of the room.”

CDXCI.--CALCULATION.

SAYS Giles, ”My wife and I are _two_, Yet, faith, I know not why, sir.”

Quoth Jack, ”You're _ten_, if I speak true; She 's _one_ and you're a _cipher_.”