Part 31 (1/2)

MR. P----, a candidate for Berks.h.i.+re, was said to have admitted his want of _head_, by demanding a _poll_.

DLIV.--EXTENUATING CIRc.u.mSTANCES.

A CASE of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that he was _drunk_ when he committed the offence. ”Drunk!” exclaimed Lord Hermand, in great indignation; ”if he could do such a thing when he was drunk, what might he not have done when he was _sober_?” evidently implying that the normal condition of human nature and its most hopeful one, was a condition of intoxication.

DLV.--ON MR. HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE.

THIS case is the strangest we've known in our life, The husband's a husband, and so is the wife.

DLVI.--CONFIDENCE.

THE first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to him:--

”Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea?”

_Jerrold._--”O yes; I've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea.”

DLVII.--LADY ANNE.

AT Portsmouth, during the representation of _Richard the Third_, on Richard exclaiming, ”O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him here,”

Miss White, who was in Lady Anne, indignantly exclaimed, ”Would they were _battle-axes_ (basilisks) to strike _thee dead_.”

DLVIII.--NICE LANGUAGE.

A MAN being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was given that he had been seen was.h.i.+ng tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining the witness, observed with ill-timed indelicacy, ”He was was.h.i.+ng _bowels_?”--”Yes, sir.”--”The bowels of an animal, I suppose?”--”Yes, sir.” The counsel sits down. Justice Maule: ”Pray, was it _a wren's_ stomach?”

DLIX.--UNPOETICAL REPLY.

A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the recent s.h.i.+pwrecks upon our coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over him. He replied, ”_Wet_, ma'am,--_very wet_.”

DLX.--IMITATION OF A COW.

MR. JAMES BOSWELL, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr.

Blair, and, in a frolic, imitated the lowing of a cow; and the universal cry in the galleries was, ”Encore the cow! Encore the cow!” This was complied with, and, in the pride of success, Mr. Boswell attempted to imitate some other animals, but with less success. Dr. Blair, anxious for the fame of his friend, addressed him thus: ”My dear sir, I would confine myself to _the cow_.”

DLXI.--TAKING HIS MEASURE.

A CONCEITED packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big places. ”An' whaur come ye frae yersel?” was the question of the gude wife. ”Ou! I am from the Border!”--”The Border. Oh! I thocht that; for we aye think the _selvidge_ is the wakest bit o' the wab!”

DLXII.--THURLOW AND PITT.

WHEN the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how Thurlow drew with them. ”I don't know,” said the Premier, ”how he _draws_, but he has not refused _his oats_ yet.”