Part 66 (1/2)

MCLXXII.--VERY SHOCKING, IF TRUE.

AT a dinner-party, one of the guests used his knife improperly in eating. At length a wag asked aloud: ”Have you heard of poor L----'s sad affair? I met him at a party yesterday, when to our great horror, he suddenly took up the knife, and----” ”Good heavens!” interposed one of the ladies; ”and did he cut his throat?”--”Why no,” answered the relator, ”he did not cut his throat with his knife; but we all expected he would, for he actually _put it up to his mouth_.”

MCLXXIII.--IMPOSSIBLE IN THE EVENING.

THEODORE HOOK, about to be proposed a member of the Phoenix Club, inquired when they met. ”Every Sat.u.r.day evening during the winter,” was the answer. ”Evening? O then,” said he, ”I shall never make a Phoenix, _for I can't rise from the fire_.”

MCLXXIV.--A GOOD APPEt.i.tE.

A n.o.bLEMAN had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. ”Frank,” said he, one day, ”tell me how many loins you could eat?” ”Ah, my lord, as for loins, not many; five or six at most.”--”And how many legs of mutton?”--”Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many; seven or eight, perhaps.”--”And fatted pullets?”--”Ah, as for pullets, my lord, not many; not more than a dozen.”--”And pigeons?”--”Ah, as for pigeons, not many; perhaps forty--fifty at most--according to appet.i.te.”--”And larks?”--”Ah, as for that, my lord--little larks--_for ever_, my lord--_for ever_!”

MCLXXV.--SHORT-SIGHTED.

DEAN COWPER, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind, remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than ”that bottle.”--”I do not wonder at it at all, sir,” replied a minor canon, ”for _we_ have seen no more than 'that bottle' all the afternoon.”

MCLXXVI.--AN ADVANTAGEOUS t.i.tHE.

A'BECKETT once said, ”It seems that anything likely to have an _annual increase_ is liable to be t.i.thed. Could not Lord S----, by virtue of this liability, contrive to get rid of a part of his stupidity?”

MCLXXVI I.--TRUTH _versus_ POLITENESS.

AT a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was presiding ”Hoped the tea was good.”--”Very good, indeed, madam,” was the general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs, who, between truth and politeness observed, ”That the _tea_ was _excellent_, but the _water_ was _smoky_!”

MCLXXVIII.--A NEW VIEW.

SOME people have a notion that villany ought to be _exposed_, though we must confess we think it a thing that deserves a _hiding_.

MCLXXIX.--THE ONE-SPUR HORSEMAN.

A STUDENT riding being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said that if _one_ side of his horse went on, it was not likely that the _other_ would stay behind.

[This is, no doubt, the original of the well-known pa.s.sage in Hudibras,--

”For Hudibras wore but one spur; As wisely knowing, could he stir To active trot one side of 's horse,” &c.]

MCLx.x.x.--A PHILOSOPHICAL REASON.

A SCHOLAR was asked why a black hen laid a white egg. He answered, ”_Unum contrarium expellit alterum_.”

MCLx.x.xI.--A PLAY UPON WORDS.