Part 6 (2/2)

As the airplane taxied around the runway, I prepared myself to meet Gage. I lined up everything I wanted to say like little soldiers going into battle. He was going to talk, I would make sure of that.

I had entertained the idea of staying with Dexter and not coming home, but I needed answers. I needed to try one last time.

Gage waiting at the luggage return gave me an odd sense of relief, at least he showed up. But he should have never left without me to begin with. The sight of him cracked the dam of my emotions. The pressure of them constricted my heart with an ache that made it hard to breathe.

He took his hat off, rubbing his hand over his hair and then pulled it back on. The small gesture gave me a small comfort; I wasnt the only one nervous. Good, I had wanted to make him sweat.

Giving me a small smile, he wrapped his arm around me in greeting and kissed the top of my head. A rage simmered inside my veins as we waited in silence for my luggage on the carousel.

He grabbed my suitcase when it appeared and then gestured toward the sliding doors of the airport, out to the parking lot. I followed him to the SUV and he opened the door for me before walking around to his side.

When the car turned on, he turned down the volume, taking quick glances to me as he maneuvered out of the parking s.p.a.ce. ”I didnt think youd actually get on that plane. I thought you would have stayed there.”

”I thought about it.” I looked out the window, away from him. The careless way he said it, made me feel stupid for being here, unwanted.

”I would have deserved it.”

”What do you deserve?” I turned to look at him, emotions boiling to the surface. ”What have you done?”

His lips pressed tight, and he watched the traffic as he turned onto the main road. ”I dont deserve you or the patience youve shown.” He pulled his gla.s.ses off and looked at me. His eyes were bloodshot and tired. ”I dont deserve your forgiveness.”

”Why?” His words tangled around my heart, pulling at it, hurting it. I strained to talk through the tightness in my throat. But as I thought over what he said, my anger flamed higher. ”What are you doing, and why shouldnt I forgive you? Is it never going to change? Are you not willing to try?” I gripped my stomach-it was churning.

He tightened his hold on the wheel, knuckles turning white, and shook his head without speaking.

His non-response only drove home my worst fears. This talk wouldnt be us making things better. ”Then why did even bother picking me up? You might as well let me out now.”

”Dont be irrational, you have no where to go.”

That was a punch to the gut. He didnt care that Id leave, as long as I had somewhere to go. He really would have been happier if I stayed with Dexter. ”Dont worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

”I know you can.” He glanced at me with a watery smile. The emotion in it scared me more than anything else. ”I wish you didnt have to.”

I was drowning in my sadness, it bubbled in my chest and choked me. I shook away his words. Whatever was happening didnt make sense. I needed to stick to my plan and get answers.

”Where have you been?” I questioned.

”The club.” He gave an automatic response. The response he always gave for everything.

”The club, thats all I ever hear from you. What is going on that takes so much time? That would make you leave your family so suddenly?” Tears burned my eyes and throat.

”Its complicated.” He pulled his gaze from the road to look at me and shook his head, voice soft. ”Just know Im sorry. I never wanted it to be this way...yet, here we are.” He swallowed, throat moving with the force. ”Lets save this for when we get home. We need to talk.”

All anger drained from me, leaving me empty and cold. It didnt sound like wed be having a conversation; it sounded like hed already made up his mind.

I walked into the condo and silently sat on the couch, waiting for him to begin speaking, heart stuck in my throat.

He sat next to me, leaning forward on his knees as he stared at the ground. ”Im sorry. Ive made so many mistakes in this. I just wanted to keep you.” He looked up at me, red eyes glossy with tears. ”I wanted to keep you safe. I wanted to keep you to myself. You were the one good thing I had still, and I thought I could keep it all separate. But this life wont let me, and Ive done too much to deserve anything good.” He grabbed my hand, wrapping it in his clammy grasp. ”But G.o.d I love you. If you dont believe anything I say, believe that.”

I held my breath, body shaking as I waited for his next words. Words I knew were coming. Words that would kill the life I thought I had. I wanted to stop them-stop him from speaking them.

”But, its not fair to you. None of this is. Youve got this life youre making, and its a good one. Youve got school, and friends, and your career. I-”

”No.” I pulled my hand from his, tears slick on my face as I shook my head. ”You dont get to say this. Youre what I want, none of the other stuff. You know this. Just talk to me, tell me whats going-”

”I cant. Not after what Ive done. You need to get away, and I have to let you go.”

8: Slipping.

THE TREMORS STARTED FROM WITHIN-A SHAKING in my core, an earthquake cracking all my barriers, my foundation. I tried to keep it together, struggling for air at the same time, but even my lungs were trembling beyond my control. I was drowning, held under by him.

Closing my eyes, I couldnt focus on breathing or calming my muscles. His words slammed through me, adding to the destruction.

”Why?” my voice didnt sound like my own, it had little air behind it, but the question was shouted in my mind.

”Ive done too much. You can go back to Dexters till something more permanent is arranged. Itll be better for you this way.” He slid his hand across my shoulders, leaning in close to me.

His touch shattered the thin, already cracked sh.e.l.l holding me together. There was nowhere to step without being cut on the shards; nothing to say that would clean it up. The destruction was already done.

I stood suddenly, breaking free of his embrace, stepping back out of reach.

”Dont. Touch. Me. Youre a liar.” My hand vibrated in front of me as I pointed at him, so I curled it into a fist to pull it back under my control. Anger burned through me, consuming all other emotions. ”This isnt for me. Admit it. You just want to send me away so you can do whatever it is youre doing. Whatever is so f.u.c.king important that it comes above everything else. Thats why youre doing this. So dont you dare put this on me.”

He didnt break eye contact. Staying seated, he looked up at me with his once bright blue eyes now dull and red rimmed, br.i.m.m.i.n.g with tears. But he stayed silent.

”Tell me,” I shouted, wanting to slap him into talking.

He dropped his head. Leaning forward on his forearms, he rubbed his hands over the top of his hair. ”Youre right.”

I froze. Ice slid through my veins, putting out the heat of anger.

He rolled his head up to look at me. ”I have to do things, and I dont want you around for it.” He shook his head, lines creasing his face. ”But I wasnt lying. This will be better for you. Youll have a better life.”

”Go to h.e.l.l.” I had more to say but felt like I was sucker punched in the gut.

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