Part 15 (1/2)

”I didnt use. Id tell you if I did. I told you, Im trying to be honest with you.”

”I hate her.” There was my honesty.

He nodded, pulling me into his arms. ”I know. And soon I wont be anywhere near her. In the meantime, Ill deal with her as little as possible.” His hands moved up and down my back. ”Trust me.”

I did trust him. But it didnt matter, this all just reinforced what I had been thinking, what I knew. This wasnt any sort of life for a baby.

My hands went to my pocket, gripping the secret I was keeping. I pulled the thin picture out. It shook as I pressed it to his chest, and my tears blurred my eyes as my heart dropped to my stomach.

He let me go, his hand soft as he took the photo from me, his brows creasing as he looked at it. Then he looked back up at me, eyes wide with questions and my answers tumbled out.

”If it were only about me, Id stick by you. I love you so much; Id stay through anything. But...” my hand lifted to the picture in his hand. ”Its not just me anymore. Im pregnant.” The words were wrapping around my lungs, squeezing them, killing the determination in them. Killing me. I spoke faster to get it all out. ”Im eight weeks. And Ive got to put my baby first. I cant do this anymore. I cant be in this. The drugs and violence. My baby-”

”Stop talking.” He was looking at the photo, grip tight, lines deep as his jaw flexed.

I swallowed and silence settled over us.

But I needed to say the one thing I should have started with. ”Im sorry. Im so sorry, I didnt mean for-”

”Enough.” His blue eyes blazed into me. ”I said, stop talking.”

He took a deep breath and stepped towards me, holding the picture out. ”This isnt your baby. Its our baby.”

My breath released in a shudder, his words taking some of the weight in the pit of my stomach. Tears escaped down my cheek, but I didnt dare let myself give in completely.

”This isnt something you need to apologize to me for. This is something we did. Our baby. We decide. Together. You dont get to make these decisions on your own. So stop talking, because I know what you were saying. But this isnt a time for you to run off on your own because thats our baby, and I will be there for it. For you.” He stepped towards me, fingertips hesitant on my stomach as he breathed, ”Our baby.”

When he lifted his eyes to mine, they were no longer clear but s.h.i.+ny with emotion and uncertainty. ”Im going to be a good father Regan. Let me. Promise me.”

I couldnt and he saw that. He dropped his hands, stepping back, hurt lining his eyes and face.

”Im scared,” I forced the words out. His pain hurt me, making me speak. ”I dont want to do this without you. But-” I took short gasps, not wanting to think about leaving. ”How?”

He shook his head. ”Well figure that out together. Together, Regan. Say it.”

His hands cupped my face, thumbs brus.h.i.+ng away my tears. ”Ill keep you both safe. I promise. Please.”

His warm touch and soft plea washed away the weak resolve I had come in with. I never had a chance of leaving him, my heart beat for him, and he owned my soul. A baby didnt change that, it was proof of it.

16: For Now.

WE STOOD IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS office, holding each other as if wed blow away otherwise. And maybe I would have. He held me to him, keeping me, and my thoughts, in place.

”Its going to be okay. Youll see we can do this. Our baby will be loved; h.e.l.l have a good life. We can give him a good life.” His words kept going, probably rea.s.suring himself as much as he was rea.s.suring me.

He pulled back, looking down at me with a shaky smile. ”Talk to me, tell me you believe me. Tell me you wont leave. Take back what you said earlier.” His words strained and grip tightened with every syllable, the end more of a demand than request.

I shook my head and closed my eyes as I pressed myself to him. If I spoke, it would come out in sobs, releasing the well of tears I was holding back.

”What does that mean?” his voice was a desperate whisper, his cheek pressed to the top of my head as his arms tightened. ”Please. Regan. You have to say something.”

And the moment I tried, the dam broke and I was shaking in his arms. An overwhelming relief flooded out of me, limitless sadness as well.

It seemed there was no good choice to make, I only hoped I was making the best one. Really, it was the only one. I didnt know how to live without him anymore, I didnt even want to try.

At some point, he moved me to the couch and cradled me to his chest, holding me until I could breathe again. By the time I could speak, his s.h.i.+rt was soaked and my face was slick with tears. My thoughts were less jumbled but no less scary. Only now, I at least was certain of my path.

He waited with an empty expression, something Id only seen rarely from him, but I knew it meant he was terrified.

I picked up his hand, tracing the lines of his palm so I didnt have to look into his hollow eyes; they looked like the ghost of the man I loved. ”I cant leave you.”

”Thank G.o.d.” He choked on his voice, body deflating as he pulled me into him. His fingers slid through my hair, down my back. His cheek pressed to mine, skin absorbing both our tears. Then our lips found each other, moving like puzzle pieces finding their fit.

He spoke into my lips, ”I love you and our baby.”

I kissed him back, pulling his neck to keep him pressed to me, and I gathered my strength and pushed down my fear.

When we parted, he was smiling, a small smile, but still. His own fears seemed to have disappeared and that light was back in his eyes.

”We can do this” He gripped my waist, breathless, and on the verge of excitement. ”I- d.a.m.n, I dont even know, but well figure it out.” He leaned back on the couch, pulling me with him. His chest rose and fell with his deep breaths.

”This is going to change things. A lot has to change.” I spoke even, staring at the coffee table in front of us instead of looking at him.

”I know.” His arm moved up and down my side. ”First thing is, you cant work here anymore.”

I knew that was coming, but it still stung to know I was being pushed out again. ”You wont be working here much longer anyways, right?”

He nodded. ”Once I find a spot for a new club, I can sign it over. I have to prepare Ian for everything, but I can start cutting back my time here and give him more control now.” His other arm circled around me, pulling me closer to him. ”Ill have more time for you.”

Until the new club opened, but I didnt voice that concern yet. ”What about meeting with the real estate agent? I want to still go. You cant cut me out of everything.”

He gripped me tighter, and I sunk with his chest as he released a breath. ”Yeah, that should be okay.”

”Really?” I pulled back to look at him, more excited than I should have been, but I hadnt expected an easy acceptance.