Part 29 (1/2)

Gage kept coming back to the hospital, but I kept ignoring him and he didnt push. I wanted to question what he was doing, but didnt have the energy to hear it. I didnt want to take on anymore. I didnt want to think about any of it, but as the day came to be discharged, I knew I had to face it all. I couldnt keep hiding behind these walls.

Except, I jumped at the chance to hide in a different way. When Gage mentioned Vegas and staying with Dexter and Leona, I agreed to it. We went straight from the hospital to the airport to their home.

I slid on sweatpants after my first shower out. My body was sore and breath was short, even if the doctors a.s.sured me my lungs were healed. Time, they said, I just needed time and I should be fine.

But they didnt know. They didnt know what time with this man waiting in the living room could do. But I did. I needed to make a plan to change things. But my plan stopped at Vegas. I was stuck in the moment because in order to go beyond the moment, Id have to acknowledge the past. I wasnt ready, but that never mattered.

”...youre sure?” Dexter was speaking low, but I heard him as I stepped through the kitchen.

”Yeah, I wouldnt leave if I thought-” Gage stopped as he noticed me walk into the living room.

”Thought what? Finish.” I waved him on and took my time lowering into the reclining chair.

”Do you need a pillow or something?” Dexter asked on the edge of his seat, ready to jump.

I shook my head, still eyeing Gage, challenging him to admit to more secrets.

”I wouldnt leave if I thought you wouldnt be safe here.”

I didnt believe his words, and the idea of putting little Felix in danger had me spinning. ”You dont know that. Dexter, he doesnt know that. I can go to a hotel or something.”

”No.” Gage stood up, cutting me off. ”Im not leaving you alone. Youll come back with me if you wont stay here.”

”Its fine Rea, you can stay here.” Dexter rose to his feet and stood in between us, facing me. ”Stay here, okay?” His concern was genuine and broke my heart.

I didnt want to repay good intentions with destruction, but what else could happen when this fire was still out of control. I looked past him to Gage. I wouldnt go with him, I couldnt. So I nodded to Dexter, accepting his offer for now.

”Okay,” Dexter breathed.

”Give me a minute with her,” Gage asked from behind him.

They had a conversation with their eyes I couldnt even begin to understand, but it was brief and ended with Dexter walking up the stairs.

”Dont you have to leave soon?” I asked, wanting it to be now.

”I do.” He stepped in front of my chair. ”But Ill be back next weekend to see you.”

To check on me.

I stared at the blank T.V. screen, not sure how to feel. I dont think I could feel anymore. The past couple of weeks had been a poison to my emotions, killing them.

He sunk down on his toes in front of me, grabbing my legs. ”Baby, I dont want to leave you. I wouldnt if I didnt have to.”

But he always thought he had to.

I looked back to him. ”Just go.”

He dropped his head for a moment, sucking in breath. ”Ill tell you. Ill tell you everything you want to know. Please, just let me in a little bit.”

No he wouldnt. Hed tell me enough to make me think he was opening up, but it wouldnt change, and I didnt want to continue this game of lies. I didnt want him opening up because I wasnt willing to open for him anymore. I couldnt.

”I dont want to know anymore.” I only spoke because he was waiting on me to speak, and I had to if I wanted him to leave.

I could almost feel the uncertainty in his eyes as they bounced over my features, trying to read me.

”You need more time.” He was speaking to himself now as he rose to his feet. Lying to himself, it shouldnt have surprised me. He leaned in close, lips touching my forehead, warm breath over my skin.

”I love you,” his words blew away the dust of my heart, all that was left.

My hand moved to his s.h.i.+rt, touching the fabric, but not him. I stopped myself from pressing for more; I stopped myself from reaching for his warmth, for him.

”Please, tell me you love me.” He dropped his forehead to mine, lips brus.h.i.+ng my cheek.

I couldnt. I didnt want to give strength to that part of me. He was already dangerously close to it.

His lips slid to mine, skimming over them, waiting for me to react. He moved them slow and soft and steady, never pressing, but cracking me.

”Please, Regan, I love you.” I wanted to melt into his soft words, but knew they were only pretend comfort and only offered a moment of escape. I needed a lifetime.

I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent one last time. I kissed his lips back, just as soft as his, like we were already ghosts.

”I will always love you,” I admitted, unable to keep that truth in. The one part of me I wanted to kill, was the one part that survived when everything else died.

He pulled back, but it was clear my words didnt ease him. If anything, he looked more concerned than ever. And he should.

He nodded, clear eyes trailing over my face as I did the same with him-Rememorizing the familiar.

”Ill be back this weekend.” He pressed his lips to mine one last time before rising to his feet and leaving.

”Come on, Rea. Get up. Youre going to the gym with me.” Dexter turned off the T.V. and stretched as he rose to his feet.

”I cant. You can go, Im fine.”

He shook his head. ”Nope. The doctor said you can get out. Maybe you cant work out, but you can help me. And you need out of this house. I need out of this house.”

He had been staying with me. Since his school was on break, wed spent the days at home. Leona and Felix were usually here too, but she took him out shopping with friends, preparing for Christmas.