Part 40 (2/2)
She was taken aback. Her expression changed. ”I'm sorry,” she said softly.
”It's okay.” He was visibly shaken.
”It isn't. I haven't been fair with you; I haven't been fair with us.”
”It's not about being fair, it's about surviving.”
”Thank you for trying to get me off the hook, Joshua, but I can take responsibility for this. I'm a grown up.”
”And what about the Larry Pilgrim thing?”
”You're a grown up too. You don't need my permission.”
”You're absolutely right. I don't need your permission, but I do need to know your feelings.”
”I think you should take the case.”
”Huh?”
”You heard me. You should take it.”
”But why?”
”Why?” She thought for a moment. ”Well, for starters, I believe it's what you really want, and that I'm the only thing standing in the way. I don't want you to sacrifice for me, or to deprive yourself any more than you already have.” She reached over, placed her hand on his cheek. ”You see, I know what it is to sacrifice, to give up the things you truly want in life. We've both had enough of that, and it has to stop sometime.” She moved closer, touched up against him, stood on her toes, and kissed him gently on the cheek. ”I want you to take the case.”
”I don't think it's a good idea,” he said.
”You don't think what's a good idea?”
”Taking the case.”
She was puzzled. ”Joshua, I don't underst...”
”Listen, this may sound crazy, and it probably is, but I can't take the Pilgrim case. Maybe I knew it all along, or maybe I just figured it out. Either way, it's a bad idea.”
”But why?”
”Because it would destroy us.”
She shook her head in defiance.
”It would, regardless of what you think now. I know you want to believe that we're invincible, and it's true, we have survived some pretty nasty things together. This would break us.”
”It wouldn't! Nothing can!”
”It can and it would! Listen, this Pilgrim thing is bad, a lot worse than you can imagine. It's not going to be about that rabbi and this black guy. It's going to be about race, about tensions and hatreds that have been festering for years, just waiting for a moment like this. It's going to blow up in our faces, and whether I take the case or not, it's going to drive a wedge between us.”
”But this isn't about race, Joshua, it's about murder. No one condones murder, black or white.”
”Rachel, everything is about race.”
He was surprised he'd actually said that, but once he had, he realized it was what he truly believed.
He searched her face, wondering if she could see the yearning in his eyes. He reached over and stroked her cheek. She moved closer and embraced him. It felt more intimate than anything they'd shared before, yet still not quite what he had dreamed of.
CHAPTER 48.
Hannah Weissman, still half asleep, stumbled into her kitchen for her morning coffee and found Rachel sitting at the table, engrossed in the newspaper. ”Good morning,” Rachel said, her eyes on the paper.
”Good morning,” Hannah answered. ”You're up early today.”
Rachel glanced at the clock on the wall and saw it was seven-fifteen. She had thought it was much later. ”You're right, I didn't realize.”
”Couldn't sleep?”
”No, I slept fine.”
”That's funny, I thought I heard you sneaking around in the middle of the night, thought I even heard you go out.”
Rachel looked aghast at her mother, and found herself tongue-tied.
”You went to see him, didn't you?”
”See who?” Rachel asked defensively.
Hannah sat down at the table, looked Rachel in the eye, and said, ”Joshua,” as she took her first sip of coffee.
Rachel, stupefied, stared at her mother for a beat, then said, ”How did you know?”
”I've known for a long time that there had to be someone; rather, I've suspected. You don't go out on s.h.i.+ddoch dates, you often come home late at night, it doesn't take a genius. So when Joshua showed up here last night; well, I put two and two together and came up with, whatever.”
Rachel wondered how she could possibly have this conversation with her mother. ”It's not what you think,” she said.
”Oh,” Hannah reacted. ”And what exactly is it that I'm thinking?”
”We're friends, good friends. That's it.”
”Friends, that's interesting. So why such a big secret?”
”Because...” Rachel stopped herself and thought about what she was going to say. ”No one would understand, that's why.”
”Understand? I think I understand plenty.”
”You're not making this easy.”
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