Vol 1 Chapter 2.3 (1/2)
3. Haven’t Even Dated, Already Out Of Love
I can lock my diary, yet I can’t lock my heart.
I can lock my heart, yet I can’t lock love and sadness.
I can lock love and sadness, but I can’t lock my gaze that follows you.
Many years later, like a clear sky, I can smile and shake your hand, then lightly say goodbye.
Whereas that year, those words I had no time to say, you will never know about them,
They have been locked and cast to the bottom of the surging river of time.
Under the recommendation of the book renting store’s owner, I started wtih Qiong Yao’s books and plunged right into the world of romance novels. In the Taiwanese romance novels of that period, it wasn’t popular to talk about how beautiful the female leads were, instead, the authors liked to describe how much cla.s.s they had and how different they were from everyone else. I knew that my looks weren’t outstanding so I often thought about what cla.s.s was. I secretly longed to have cla.s.s and be like those female leads in romance novels who were also ordinary and had an average family background yet depended on some kind of inexplicable elegance and cla.s.s to capture the male lead’s attention. But the words “cla.s.s” were too abstract. When I observed the popular girls around me, I felt that perhaps the way they looked and dressed were different but they all had one similarity, they all truly looked really pretty. I didn’t see any girl with ordinary looks who still had boys like her due to her manga character like smile.
When I remained perplexed over the word “cla.s.s” despite much thought, G.o.d placed the answer in front of me along with a blow. I think that I’ve had an inferiority complex all along, but the arrival of Teacher Gao caused my world to suddenly be thrown into the sunlight; Zhang Jun’s friends.h.i.+p tempted me to desire more, I even wishfully dreamed about fate’s arrangements. Why did Teacher Gao decide to choose me and him? Why was he the only one receiving tutoring cla.s.ses with me? Why did he help me find stones? Why did he speak to me today? Why didn’t he ask his desk mate for an eraser, why did he borrow it from me? When he walked past my desk today, why did he look back at me? Why…..
Through the countless ‘whys’, I a.n.a.lysed all the daily trivial matters, things with no significance were a.n.a.lysed to become significant. I kept feeling that these were a sign, they were implications of the future, it seemed as if fate was trying to tell me something. I vaguely hoped for the fantasies in my heart to become true. I liked to used playing cards to tell fortunes. I calculated my fate with Zhang Jun again and again. If it was a good, I’d really happy; if it wasn’t good, I would reshuffle the cards, thinking that it was definitely because the cards weren’t shuffled well so the calculations weren’t accurate.
Perhaps the answers to these countless ‘whys’ are very simple, when he walked past my desk and looked back at me, it was because I had ink on my face, he asked to borrow my eraser because his desk mate’s eraser had disappeared…. However the me that year didn’t think like that, so, everything that was in my wishful fantasies were signs coating on to my expectations.
—
Just when my heart was restless, when I was carefully observing, carefully hoping and carefully getting closer to him, a girl transferred to our cla.s.s and changed everything.
When she walked in the cla.s.sroom with the Chinese teacher and stood on the podium, gracefully smiling, I finally understood the word “cla.s.s” in the romance novels. The teacher said that she was called Guan He*, the person was truly similar to her name, a lotus flower.
*[The He in her name stands for lotus]
Later, I walked through many cities, I saw many countries, met lots of beauties, but every time I recalled the beauties, little Guan He would always be the first to pop into my mind.
She wore a violet coat, and had a purple plastic b.u.t.terfly hairpin clipped on her head. Her raven black straight hair draped over her shoulders. Her features weren’t prettier than the pretty girls in our cla.s.s, but she had an aura about her that captured my attention. Facing the unfamiliar cla.s.s, she didn’t nervously try to hide, nor did she eagerly try to blend in. She only stood there, slim and gracefully.
In the days after, Guan He exhibited an inexplicable charm. Her grades were outstanding, she got first in the cla.s.s just on her first test; she was talented, in the New Year’s Day cla.s.s party, she sang while playing the erhu to ‘Night on the Gra.s.sland’, causing the teachers and students to be greatly surprised; the blackboard bulletin she wrote turned around our cla.s.s’ embarra.s.sment of losing to cla.s.s (2) throughout the year. *[They are in cla.s.s (1)]
However, she was never the slightest bit arrogant, unlike the other girls. Her smiles were always kind, her voice was warm, she was neither haughty nor humble to the teachers, and she treated other students polite and modestly. No matter if it was male or female, a good student or a bad student, they all greatly admired her graceful demeanor.
They say that friends.h.i.+ps between girls are hard to keep. The girls in our cla.s.s are always proof of this, one moment they are really close and inseparable, the next, they’re saying bad things behind each other’s backs. However, Guan He became the exception, not only did all the boys in the cla.s.s like her, even all the girls in the cla.s.s liked her, to the extent that if a girl said bad words about Guan He, the other girls would break off their friends.h.i.+p with that girl. Gradually, even the most arrogant and envious girls started to Guan He, whereas Guan He treated everyone the same. She was good to everyone, as long as her help was needed, she would definitely do it. However, she also kept a distance from everyone and had no true ‘best friend’. But it was just this close yet distant att.i.tude that made the girls crazy. All the girls wanted to be good to Guan He and become best friends with her, they even boasted that actually, they were even closer to her, as if the people who were in Guan He’s good graces were ranked one notch higher.
I was dumbstruck as I watched the incredible Guan He conquer the hearts of all the boys and girls in our Year 6 Cla.s.s (1) at lightning speed. In all fairness, I also liked her as I believed that through the chatters of the gossip girls in our cla.s.s, the bad things I’ve done would have all traveled to Guan He’s ears, yet she still treated me the same as the other students, not close yet not distant. Once, when I spilled ink on my clothes, she saw and advised me to smear grains of rice and gently rub it into the stain so that it will be easier to wash off.
In this ‘craze’ that swept through the whole cla.s.s, Zhang Jun was unable to excape. I often saw him with a few other mates going to look for Guan He, I often saw him volunteer to help Guan He do her duties and I often saw him and Guan He talking and laughing together. After carefully looking at Guan He then closely examining myself, I quietly shrank back into my sh.e.l.l.
—
Once, after maths tutoring, he asked me, “if a guy wanted to chase a girl, what should he give her? What do you girls usually like?”
I stared at him blankly, the heart in my chest hurt so much that it felt like it was going to coagulate, yet it continued to beat, peng peng, peng peng, peng peng….the sound grew larger and larger, as if it was going to jump out of my chest. However he wasn’t able to hear any of it. He worriedly scratched his head and asked, “girls on television all like flowers, do you think giving flowers is good?”
I lowered my head, hugging my books, I left a “i don’t know” then swiftly walked back to the cla.s.s.
Not long later, I heard that Zhang Jun confessed to Guan He and Guan He politely rejected him. The girls in the cla.s.s described it in vivid detail, it was as if they were there watching the whole thing. Guan He was described as a graceful swan, whereas Zhang Jun was said to have overestimated his abilities, although he wasn’t as bad as a toad, but in the mouth the girls, Zhang Jun getting rejected was simply for granted.
I had not the slightest interest, my heart was filled with sorrow. I felt sorry for him and also felt sorry for myself. In that period of time, I was often in a daze in a corner of the game room. Thinking about Guan He’s brilliance, I couldn’t help but feel a lump in my throat. If she was the prettiest lotus flower in the lotus pond, then I was the little blade of gra.s.s that grew in the mud beside the pond, no matter how you compare, I didn’t have one aspect that was ebtter than her.
Wu Zei was too used to me always having a book in hand. Nowadays, I unexpectedly didn’t read anymore, that even Wu Zei was a little unused to it. He would ask me again and again, “Four Eyed Panda, what’s wrong? Is it because you don’t have any money left? Do you want brother to support you?”
I ignored him, he was joking carelessly like usual but this time, the blind cat actually caught the dead mouse, he shot right at the center of my pain, “Is the Four Eyed Panda developing feelings of love? Has the Four Eyed Panda fallen out of love?”
I grabbed my bag and ran out of the game room. It was only midyear, the sunlight was still dazzling bright, but what I thought was the start of my long vacation* was already over.
*[She made a reference to the j.a.panese drama ‘Long Vacation’ at the end of the Chapter 2 Part 1]
—
Tonight, the drizzle of rain swirled outside the window. Under the light, gently flipping through the cla.s.smate book, the appearances I thought I would never forget, have become fuzzy. The note I thought was thrown away long ago, was placed between the pages.
Tonight, the drizzle of rain swirled outside the window, exactly the same as that year when we waved and parted. The rain are all singing the same tune, the one we didn’t understand that year. Hurriedly, too hurriedly.
—
There were many primary schools in the city. Our school only had 5 s.p.a.ces for competing in the maths compet.i.tion. Quite a few teachers had other thoughts about me and Zhang Jun occupying two of the s.p.a.ces. For the sake of letting me and Zhang Jun join the compet.i.tion, Teacher Gao carried a lot of pressure, she was pretty much using her career as stake. However, she kept telling us to try our best, the compet.i.tion was only a learning process, getting an award wasn’t important, as long as we felt that we gain something out of it.
Who would let their friends die!
*[Proverb: A true gentleman will sacrifice his life for a friend who understands him.]
I didn’t mind being a bad student and didn’t care whatsoever about that maths compet.i.tion but I was very, very afraid of letting Teacher Gao down. I was even more afraid of allowing others to hurt Teacher Gao due to my incompetence so I was bursting with energy, thinking that I would only be able to repay Teacher Gao’s kindness through getting an award.
A month before the compet.i.tion, everyday, I had to study together with a boy who I liked, yet who didn’t like me. Teacher Gao also required us to get to know each other well and try to open up as much as possible.
Not long ago, this was the sweetest thing to me but now, hopeless pain gnawed at my heart at all times. I gritted my teeth and tried hard to clearly listen to every word he spoke, telling myself that I must win that award!
Everyday, I studied like crazy and gave up everything else in my life. Every morning, when I opened my eyes, I thought of the maths compet.i.tion. Every night, when I closed my eyes, I thought of the maths compet.i.tion. In that period, I couldn’t even dream peacefully, if my dreams weren’t of the omnipresent maths questions, then they were about Zhang Jun and Guan He. In my dreams, they were always talking and laughing, whereas I was like trash and didn’t usually appear.
On one hand, I was putting in all my efforts whereas on the other hand, I had no confidence in myself at all. I didn’t know if I would be able to get an award and I dreamed for three days straight that I failed and the entire world laughed at Teacher Gao and I. I often woke up seized with terror. To me. this compet.i.tion wasn’t just a test, it contained my grat.i.tude and it was a way to certify my strength, it was the end of the world if I didn’t get an award. My pressure was hard to imagine for outsiders.
One day, I felt that I wasn’t able to go on anymore so I ran to the game room. Wu Zei was looking after the store and Xiao Bo was playing games lifelessly, he was preparing for the high school entrance exam and clearly wasn’t relaxed either.
Wu Zei laughed, “you two are sure like siblings, when you don’t come, you both don’t come, when you come, you both come.”
I said to Wu Zei, “give me a bottle of beer, I don’t have any money right now so I’ll buy it on credit.”
Wu Zei was dumbstruck for a moment then without saying anything, got a bottle of beer, pried open the cap and handed it to me. I took it over and drank a few large gulps. Xiao Bo called me over, “play games with me.”
I walked over with the beer. He asked me to play with him but in actual fact, it was him teaching me to play. In the past, the games looked boring to me but today, they became a little interesting. I vent it all out by fiercely pounding the b.u.t.tons, every time I killed a monster and saw the blood spurt out in the screen, I felt a little more relaxed. After playing a round, my heart which felt like exploding at any minute, relaxed. Xiao Bo took the rest of my beer and after drinking half the bottle in one gulp, he asked me, “what’s wrong?”
I watched the game machine’s flas.h.i.+ng screen as I said out my fears, “I keep having nightmares that I’ll fail my test.”
“Dreams are opposites.”
“Really?”