Part 10 (2/2)

MR. BALCH. Useful _or_ ornamental. Why not his own portrait? There's many an artist who would do him in oils, and guarantee a likeness, frame included, for a five-pound note.

MR. SIBB. If it's to be like Porpentine, it certainly won't be _ornamental_, whatever else it is.

MR. FILK. It can't be denied that he is remarkably plain in the face.

We'd better, as our friend Mr. c.o.c.kcroft here proposes, make it something of daily use--a good serviceable silk umbrella now--that's _always_ appropriate.

MR. SIBB. To make up for the one he broke over the collector's head, eh?--that's _appropriate_ enough!

MR. c.o.c.kCR. No, no; you mean well, Filkins, but you must see yourself, on reflection, that there would be a certain want of--ah--good taste in giving him a thing like that under the circ.u.mstances. I should suggest something like a hatstand--a handsome one, of course. I happen to know that he has nothing in the pa.s.sage at present but a row of pegs.

MR. SIBB. I should have thought he'd been taken down enough pegs already.

MR. FILK. (_who resents the imputation upon his taste_). I can't say what the width of Mr. Porpentine's pa.s.sage may be, never having been privileged with an invitation to pa.s.s the threshold, but unless it's wider than ours is, he couldn't get a hatstand in if he tried, and if my friend c.o.c.kcroft will excuse the remark, I see no sense--to say nothing of good taste, about which perhaps I mayn't be qualified to pa.s.s an opinion--in giving him an article he's got no room for.

MR. c.o.c.kCR. (_with warmth_). There's room enough in Porpentine's pa.s.sage for a whole host of hatstands, if that's all, and I know what I'm speaking about. I've been in and out there often enough. I'm--ah--a regular tame cat in that house. But if you're against the 'atstand, I say no more--we'll waive it. How would it do if we gave him a nice comfortable easy-chair--something he could sit in of an evening, yi-know?

MR. SIBB. A touchy chap like Porpentine would be sure to fancy we thought he wanted something soft after a hard bench and a plank bed--you can't go and give him _furniture_!

MR. c.o.c.kCR. (_with dignity_). There's a way of doing all things. I wasn't proposing to go and chuck the chair _at_ him--he's a sensitive feller in many respects, and he'd feel _that_, I grant you. He can't object to a little present of that sort just from four friends like ourselves.

MR. BALCH (_with a falling countenance_). Oh! I thought it was to be a general affair, limited to a small sum, so that all who liked could join in. I'd no notion you meant to keep it such a private matter as all that.

MR. FILK. Nor I. And, knowing Mr. Porpentine so slightly as I do, he might consider it presumption in me, making myself so prominent in the matter--or else I'm sure----

MR. c.o.c.kCR. There's no occasion for anyone to be prominent, except myself. You leave it entirely in my 'ands. I'll have the chair taken up some evening to Porpentine's house on a 'andcart, and drop in, and just lead up to it carelessly, if you understand me, then go out and wheel the chair in, make him try it--and there you _are_.

MR. BALCH. There _you_ are, right enough; but I don't see where _we_ come in, exactly.

MR. FILLK. If it's to be confined to just us four, I certingly think we ought _all_ to be present at the presentation.

MR. c.o.c.kCR. That would be just the very thing to put a man like Porpentine out--a crowd dropping in on him like that! I know his ways, and, seeing I'm providing the chair----

MR. BALCH (_relieved_). _You_ are? That's different, of course; but I thought you said that we four----

MR. c.o.c.kCR. I'm coming to that. As the prime mover, and a particular friend of Porpentine's, it's only right and fair I should bear the chief burden. There's an easy-chair I have at home that only wants re-covering to be as good as new, and all you fellers need do is to pay for 'aving it nicely done up in velvet, or what not, and we'll call it quits.

MR. BALCH. I daresay; but I like to know what I'm letting myself in for; and there's upholsterers who'll charge as much for doing up a chair as would furnish a room.

MR. FILK. I--I shouldn't feel justified, with my family, and, as, comparatively speaking, a recent resident, in going beyond a certain limit, and unless the estimate could be kep' down to a moderate sum, I really-----

MR. SIBB. (_unmasking_). After all, you know, I don't see why we should go to any expense over a stuck-up, cross-grained chap like Porpentine.

It's well-known he hasn't a good word to say for us Jerrymere folks, and considers himself above the lot of us!

MR. BALCH and MR. FILK. I'm bound to say there's a good deal in what Sibbering says. Porpentine's never shown himself what _I_ should call sociable.

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