Vol 1 Chapter 3 (2/2)

“Looking for me? Now who - huh?”

Standing in the corridor was Yawakaze Konagi.

“Hey, isn’t that Yawakaze?” “Oh my goodness, she’s really d.a.m.n pretty.” “Why would she be looking for Amakusa...”

My cla.s.smates had noticed her presence as well, and they began murmuring to each other.

“Ah, pantsu Konacchi is here!”

“Stop your nonsense!”

“Ah, Konacchi’s coming over with those panties that Amacchi wants to see!”

“That’s even worse!”

Mustering all the energy I could to prevent Yuuouji from following me, I rushed out the door and slammed it shut behind me.

“Yawakaze, why are you looking for me all of a sudden?”

I originally figured that she would be hear to complain about what happened this morning, but it didn’t seem like she was, and besides it’s not like she’s that kind of a person.

Just as I was about to ask again, she replied.

“Um, is this yours?”

In the palm of her outstretched hand was a blue checkered handkerchief.

“Huh? Oh, it’s mine. I didn’t even notice I dropped it.”

It probably fell out while I was being dragged off earlier. Now why would she personally deliver that to someone like me who gave her such a horrible first impression?

“Really? That’s great.”

Also, she doesn’t seem to be harboring any malicious intent. To think that she can still smile so innocently, is she some sort of angel descended from the heavens?

“I apologize for the inconvenience, and thank you as well.”

“Oh, um, it’s nothing, actually...”

Even after pa.s.sing the handkerchief to me, Yawakaze didn’t seem to have any intention of leaving yet. As she saw my confused expression, she looked down in embarra.s.sment, then said awkwardly:

“Actually...about this morning...”

There was no need to go on further since she could only be referring to the panties incident. I was contemplating how to deal with this situation, but she did it for me anyway.

“How should I put this...I’m really sorry.”

“Ah, it’s alright, I’m not here to ask for an apology. Um, to be honest I’ve never had a guy ask me anything like that before, so I was kinda at a loss for words.”

Understandable.

“So...I’m sorry. I’m embarra.s.sed for having to say this too but...I think that stuff like panties should only be shown to the people you like.”

“Gah!”

I nearly coughed up blood. I’m not joking, isn’t this against the law or something? Where has she been living all her life to be incapable of even holding suspicion against others? Has she only been a.s.sociating with saints and angels all this time? You’re telling me she hasn’t even seen the dark side of society even after living for over a decade?

I finally understood how her fan club must feel. No one should have her to themselves, for she belongs to everyone!

Suddenly, an overwhelming sense of guilt overcame me. What did I tell this girl? Let me see your panties? ...I should die.

“I’m really sorry!”

It was then that I realized that a motion like kneeling down and kowtowing isn’t a conscious motion, but rather a reflex of the body.

“Ah, Amakusa-san, please don’t...”

Despite Yawakaze’s pleading, my forehead never left the floor.

Right there, I swore to myself - screw all those Absolute Choices and whatnot, I’m done, go eat a pile of s.h.i.+t. G.o.d? To h.e.l.l with him, I won’t be pushed around by anyone else any longer, if you’re not happy with that -

「Choose: ① “So when will you let me see your panties?”

② To h.e.l.l with it all, just become her panties and get over with it.」

...And they just had to arrive now. Why would you do something like that? And I had mustered up all my courage for that too, what exactly is your problem with me? Are you an idiot? Do you wanna die?

...Fine, I get it, talking won’t do me any good.

As usual, option number 1 is terrible, but number 2 seems kinda creepy this time round. If it means what I think it does, I might not even be able to stay human.

If this was a computer game, I would probably have picked that option for a laugh, but there are no save nor load states in real life.

In the end, I could only pick ①.

Normally I would just pick it already and then go home to cry myself to sleep, but this was a different case. I absolutely could not allow those words to taint this pure young maiden - Yawakaze Konagi’s ears.

“Ugh...”

My head began throbbing in bursts of violent pain, as if the Choices themselves were forcing me to make a decision.

But right now, all I want to do is defeat this G.o.dd.a.m.n curse!

“AAAAAAHHHHH!”

I contorted my face violently in my efforts to resist the pain, but to no avail.

“Amakusa-san, are you alright?”

“No, I’m perfectly fine-AAAARRRGHGHHHHHH!”

The extreme pain caused me to cry out. This is bad, this is bad, this is really bad! This feels worse than any pain I’ve felt! If this goes on I’ll really die!

Yawakaze...please forgive me!

“Argh...hah...hah...so, when, will you...let me...see your panties?”

As I finished my sentence, the tendrils of pain coiling around my head immediately disappeared.

“Huh? Eh? P-panties? Didn’t I just say that you should only be showing those things to the people you like!?”

Yawakaze is cute even when she’s fl.u.s.tered. She’s so d.a.m.n cute.

Just as I was about to lose myself in her cuteness, a hand fell upon my shoulder.

“Who’s - oh.”

I turned around to face the large guy from earlier.

“Please follow me for a while.”

Part 4

“Ow...dammit.”

What waited for me at our destination was once again nothing but a torrent of violent insults and equally violent beatings.

“What are you trying to do to Yawakaze-san!” “To think someone from the Reject Five like you would want to talk to Kona-chan, wait a hundred more years instead!” “You dare say something like that to our dear Yawakaze-chan? Just die already!” “Oh? This guy’s b.u.t.t actually looks pretty good.”

...I hope I misheard that last one.

Back to the topic, this defence is a little too exaggerated. Having guards patrolling around her during every single break is pretty much borderline stalking, right?

At long last, I managed to drag my aching body back to my cla.s.sroom.

“Hoho~ I see that you’ve been taught a good lesson.”

Yuuouji sneered at me from her seat right behind mine.

“Amacchi, do you need my help?”

“With?”

“You know, with Kona-chan’s panties.”

What the h.e.l.l is she talking about now?

“Why?”

“Because it’s fun.”

She replied without an ounce of thought.

“Because it’s fun? Why, you...”

“Hmm? Is there something wrong? Would you like me to do boring things instead?”

Yuuouji replied defiantly, causing me to be momentarily at a loss for words. Using adjectives like fun and boring as objective standards for actions are clearly childish actions, contrary to her age.

As humans grow older, the burdens they have to carry increases, not to mention the behavior expected of them varies as well, thus the things they can do slowly decrease.

Sure, behavior expected of a high-schooler may not be comparable to that of, say, a social worker, but we still have such restrictions...sadly for Yuuouji, that doesn’t seem to be the case. How tragic.

“Let’s look at this from your position, are you sure you should be doing something like that? I’m trying to peek at your friend’s panties, you know?”

“Amacchi, your words don’t seem to match your actions.”

“Huh?”

Yuuouji didn’t give me a direct answer.

“Don’t you always say something weird or do weird things? I have a feeling that doesn’t seem to be the real you.”

My body tensed up unconsciously.

“But, it doesn’t seem like you’re acting or you have some sort of schizophrenic disorder, instead it feels like you’re being forced into doing these things, which is why that sense of reluctance is there. Are you hiding a secret?”

Yuuouji giggled as she finished her sentence.

I was speechless. She may not have guessed the existence of the Absolute Choices, but she was close enough.

“So, because you’re so interesting, let me observe you for a little longer!”

She suddenly darted forward until her forehead was mere centimeters from mine.

“Hey, what are you...!”

I hurriedly backed away.

Although Yuuouji is incredibly childish and immature, there’s no dispute that she’s unbelievably beautiful for her age.

Being a perfectly healthy and fit teenage male, there’s no way to resist such charm especially when it’s directly in front of me.

“Huh?”

Conversely, Yuuouji didn’t seem to notice anything, She...is she really sixteen?

No; even though she was somewhat short, her over-developed chest and the small s.n.a.t.c.h of waist revealed underneath her vest both indicated that she was way above the standard of that of a normal sixteen-year-old. It’s just that her brain’s somewhat undeveloped.

“Can’t you just...never mind, forget what I said.”

“Huh?”

Attempting to explain to her the attraction between people of the opposite s.e.x would be like attempting to get a monkey to write Shakespeare. Her condition was so bad that sometimes I wonder whether she should just continue bathing with her parents or something.

“Heh. Amacchi, no matter how much you may hate it, you can’t escape me.”

Yuuouji seemed to have misunderstood my retreat. Despite the difference in character and gender, she still reminded me of a stereotypical harem male lead.

Every single time I see characters like those acting completely oblivious to various advances from all sorts of girls, I feel like killing someone.

Anyway, that’s just my pet peeve, back to the topic...Yuuouji made me realize that people like that might actually exist in the real world.

After seeing her manage to sniff out my predicaments so easily earlier, it’s genuinely hard to believe that she can have such a disparity between her intelligence and personality.

“Having went through this past month, I feel like I pretty much understand Amacchi now. I can tell that you weren’t lying earlier when you said you aren’t doing this for lecherous means.”

Yuuouji changed the subject in an instant, her tone dripping with confidence.

“I know that I shouldn’t be doing this, but do you really believe something as suspicious as that?”

“Is there anything strange about that? When two people have known each other for long enough, isn’t it only reasonable that they can read each other’s thoughts through gazes and gestures alone?”

The indignant and yet self-indulgent, honest tone that she spoke in made me question her state of mind yet again.

“Honestly, Konacchi has a very low immunity towards guys, so if we don’t hurry up to think of a way to peek at her panties, this might turn out poorly in future.”

Putting her panties aside, at least we saw eye-to-eye.

There aren’t exactly any students with actual disciplinary issues over here in Seiko High, and taking Yawakaze’s fan club into consideration as well, she shouldn’t be in any actual danger; but when she moves on to university in the big city, she might b.u.mp into some hooligans who would do weird things to her.

Well, if I were one of those hooligans I would definitely want to do weird things to her. Let me specify once again, only “If I were one of those hooligans”.

Speaking of which, Yuuouji’s brains only really s.h.i.+ne when she’s thinking of helping others. Even if the subject matter is panties.

However, when the three of us including Yukihira are together, she seems to be able to understand all the dirty punchlines she makes, so it’s not that she doesn’t know about those things, it’s just that she fails to make the connection between those things to herself.

“Hmm, things are starting to get interesting.”

Yuuouji appeared as excited as a young child.

“Ah...”

As I saw her expression, I instantly realized why I felt a sense of familiarity from my very first conversation with Yawakaze.

It was because of Yuuouji.

Don’t misunderstand me, Yawakaze and Yuuouji are extremely different, in fact you could even call them polar opposites, but I’m not referring to anything material like appearances or actions. How should I put it, I’m referring to the essence of their beings.

Both of them could express their own true feelings without any modifications nor alterations. The closest adjective I can use to describe people like them is, well, pure.

This essence of theirs could be briefly glimpsed through every single action and movement of theirs. That was why these two people could give me the same impression despite being so different otherwise.

However, no matter how similar their qualities were, the nature of these qualities were extremely different, with Yawakaze being traditionally pure, in a sense.

“Hehe, Konacchi, just you wait and see how I’ll show your panties to the world.”

As I looked at Yuuouji who was sneering while contemplating how to get a guy to peek at her best friend’s panties, a strange phrase, ‘Impure purity’ surfaced in my mind.

Part 5

“...Sigh.”

I halted my footsteps right outside my own house, It seems that I’ve been sighing quite a lot these few days.

I was planning to apologize to Yawakaze after school, but sadly I was deterred by her bodyguards. It seems that they’ve placed their full attention on me after those two incidents.

Yuuouji said that she would think of a plan by tonight, but to be honest I wasn’t looking forward to it at all, considering the lack of resources I had at hand.

As for what kind of resources would come in handy for peeking at panties, please don’t ask.

“Oh, Kanade-san, welcome home.”

I pushed open the door to my house weakly only to see Chocolat skip merrily towards me.

“Hmm? Why do you seem so down today?”

“Let’s just say the circ.u.mstances of my mission have become rather messed up.”

Chocolat suddenly sneered as she heard this,

“Hehe~ let me tell you something, I managed to get something extremely useful for you today.”

She handed me a book. She couldn’t be referring to that 「Ten Secrets of Peeking at Women’s Panties」...right?

「Ten Surefire Methods to Acquire Women’s Panties~ You Too Can Be the Next King of Perverts!~」

“This is even worse!”

T-the t.i.tle says acquire, you heard me? Acquire! Also, the subt.i.tle’s just being an a.s.shole.

Even someone without a brain would be able to tell that the contents would be just as bad as last time’s...

“It took me a really long time to find this!”

However when faced with Chocolat’s bushy, waggling tail as well as her expression that seemed to be saying “Please praise me!”, I just couldn’t bring myself to reject her.

“Fine, I’ll take a look or two.”

“Here you go!”

Followed by Chocolat whose eyes were glittering in excitement, I walked over to the couch in the living room and flipped the book open.

This incredibly thick book somehow had a content summary page, so I started there.

「① Steal.」

Why are they using such drastic measures right off the bat!?

「Explanation: This should only be used as a last resort.」

Then don’t put it at the front of the book! And don’t encourage illegal activities!

「② Tears.」

What’s this supposed to mean, do I have to cry while begging the other party to give me her panties or something...? Nah, too strange...probably not.

「Explanation: An example would go something like “Sob...cry...p-please, just give me...your panties...already...huh? You don’t want to? ...Sob...don’t! Don’t...stop delaying it already...g-give them to me...sob...give...me...”」

Don’t you know what the word “Dignity” means!?

「Footnote: Your pa.s.sionate tears will definitely touch her heart.」

That won’t happen even if the sun rises in the west!

「③ Use “I left my underwear at home, so could you lend me yours?” as an excuse.」

Why is the tone this casual!?

「Explanation: Try and smile the brightest smile you can while trying this, as it’ll probably increase your chances of success.」

That’ll just make it seem even more disgusting!

「Footnote: You can always pray that she’s wearing white panties and that she would say something like “Oh, what a coincidence. Now I just have to lend them to you!”」

What normal, sane girl would do that!?

「④ Syllogism.」

Syllogism? I think I heard about that somewhere before.

I remember it was some logical argument that relied on making a conclusion from two other established and co-related facts, something along the lines of “Humans are mortal” -> “I am a human” -> “Therefore I am mortal”.

「Explanation: Something like “All males like women’s panties.” -> “I’m a male, and you’re a woman.” -> “Therefore you must give me your panties.”」

That’s the worst logic I’ve ever heard!

「⑤ Use the Three-Step Process of acquiring panties.」

Three-Step Process? That seems new,

「Explanation: Pull up her skirt -> Rip off her panties -> Profit.」

That’s just a description of a crime!

「Footnote: I suddenly thought up a concept of a goblin that steals panties, so I wrote it out here.」

Keep those things to yourself!

「⑥ Go to those kind of shops to buy them.」

Slow down a little, this may be the fastest method, but it doesn’t seem right...

「Explanation: Money may not be able to buy happiness, but it can buy used panties.」

That sentence seems deeper than it should be...

「Footnote: But used panties can bring some people happiness...what exactly is happiness?」

Don’t ask me!

「⑦ Raise your fists in the air and shot “I want a girl’s panties!”」

This was...what Oolong did, right? (TL note: This is a reference to a supporting character in Dragon Ball, Oolong, whose first wish to Shenrong was a pair of female panties.)

「Explanation: This will only end in tragedy if Shenrong’s not around.」

Which basically means it’ll always end in tragedy!

「⑧ It’s just a pair of panties, there’s nothing to be ashamed of!」

I bet you just wanted to write this for the h.e.l.l of it!

「Explanation: Sorry, i just put this one in for fun.」

I knew it!

「⑨ Join Underwear-ism.」

Now what the h.e.l.l is that...

「Explanation: When attending any one of their meetings, members are only permitted to wear a single piece of underwear.」

If this thing really exists it must be some sort of paradise for males.

「Footnote: Only males are allowed to join.」

Ugh!

「⑩ Steal.」

Now we’re back to square one!?

「Explanation: I...uh, really can’t think of a tenth one.」

Then don’t write the book in the first place!

「Footnote: Never mind, since you’ve read this far, I’m sure you’ll be able to think of even more ways to acquire women’s panties.」

Bulls.h.i.+t, you just couldn’t think of another way!

「Good luck!」

Shut up!

“Bulls.h.i.+t...this is complete bulls.h.i.+t.”

I had already mentally prepared myself for the worst, but I didn’t expect it to be this bad.

“Hmm, was it that bad? The insider reports on Underwear-ism were pretty interesting.”

“Bleh...I bet you just like it because you’re a fujos.h.i.+.” (TL note: Fujos.h.i.+ refers to a female that likes yaoi, commonly referred to as boy’s love: BL.)

“Also, this book actually has ninety percent of it covering that topic.”

“Which basically means the t.i.tle is complete c.r.a.p!”

Needless to say, this must be UOG’s fault. It may not have been directly penned by Yuuouji, but anyone seeing this would definitely have their impressions of her take a huge hit.

“Kanade-san, here.”

Chocolat suddenly stretched her head towards me...does she want me to pet it?

“Hehe.”

I’ll do just that then. Chocolat’s tail shot up straight while her head was being stroked, and she began smiling from ear to ear.

Alright, since she bought this book for my sake anyway, if this makes her happy I won’t be stingy about it. To be honest, she’s still pretty cute this way.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m referring to the kind of cute as in how a master would call his pet cute -

“What are you doing this time?”

Chocolat suddenly put her hands on her hips and puffed up her chest.

“Here, praise me more.”

Didn’t I just pet you?

“What’s that, you don’t need to be shy, OK? Here, use all the praises you know and shower me with them...ah, unless you’re dwarfed by the sheer extent of my greatness? Hmm, then use material things to reward me instead. Right, tonight I intend on eating Wagyu beef -” (TL note: Wagyu beef is a type of premier j.a.panese beef.)

“Oi, don’t go too far.”

I flicked her forehead lightly.

“Ow! K-Kanade-san’s bullying me...”

Her tail sagged flatly. How does that thing even work?

“Ah, Kanade-san, earlier you said that you b.u.mped into some difficulties. So you met Yawakaze-san already?”

Chocolat transitioned from being at the verge of tears to smiling once again in a mere ten seconds, once again displaying her ability to undergo extreme mood swings.

“You could say that...”

In order to change the subject from all that praising, I told Chocolat about everything that had happened.

“I see. To think that they actually took notice of Kanade-san’s b.u.t.t, there must be some really strong ones over in her fan club.”

Although she did end up placing her attention on what was arguably the most unimportant detail of the whole story, that once again piqued my curiosity on the guy’s s.e.xuality.

“Speaking of which, Yawakaze’s just too innocent, so I kinda feel bad for having to drag her into things like this.”

“Hmm, I see. Fine, in order to minimize your potential guilt, I’ll rehea.r.s.e with you for a while.”

“Wait, why?”

I didn’t know what to think of that proposition.

“There aren’t that many people around that are more innocent than me. Here, I’ll chat with you, anything to make you happy!:

I get it, this little puppy doesn’t have any shred of self-awareness. I’ll just use this opportunity to point that out.

“Chocolat, I’m going to tell you something very important - innocence may be similar to airheaded-ness at first glance, but they’re actually very far apart.”

“Hmm? So that Yawakaze-san’s an airhead?”

“I’m referring to you!”

“H-huh?”

“Don’t you ‘Huh?’ me!”

“Oh, I get it. So your eyes are just useless holes.”

“Your BRAIN is a useless hole!”

Part 5

The next day, the first thing that Yuuouji said as she stepped into cla.s.s was:

“Aye, Commander of the Conquest for Yawakaze’s Panties, Amacchi, good morning!”

“Too loud, too long and too confusing!”

I wouldn’t really have minded if any of my cla.s.smates had heard that, but if anyone within the Yawakaze fan club were to hear that I shudder to think of my potential fate. Yuuouji dragged me over to her seat and asked:

“Amacchi, have you figured out a good way to get a glimpse of Konacchi’s panties?”

I shook my head. I got a feeling that the main problem we were dealing with wasn’t the methods available.

Although technically I could forcefully pull up her skirt to expose her panties, I felt that it would be too immoral, and besides I don’t have the b.a.l.l.s.

So I sacrificed my sleep and thought through the night, but sadly to no avail.

“Konacchi’s an extreme airhead, so there’s the possibly that she might trip over and expose her panties in the process.

Hmm, she did after all display her talent for falling over during our very first encounter. It’s just that she follows the school rules to the book, so her skirt is longer than most girls here, completely different from Yuuouji’s which was way shorter than most.

Basically even if she were to fall over in an extremely exaggerated manner with her b.u.t.t in the air and all, I don’t think her panties would even come close to showing. I shouldn’t be expecting something like that to happen.

Not to mention that I just can’t entrust my fate to random chance based on the currently limited time that I have.

“We could also try to copy the typical shoujo manga style, you know like when she’s rus.h.i.+ng to school because she’s late, intentionally dash out the corner she’s turning and b.u.mp into her. You never know, she might be biting onto a pair of panties instead of a half-eaten piece of bread.” (TL note: In j.a.panese, the p.r.o.nunciation of ‘panties’ and ‘bread’ is similar.)

“Bulls.h.i.+t! Who the h.e.l.l would mistake panties for toast like that!?”

“Hmm, if you put it as toast it doesn’t sound similar any longer.”

“Come on, just because two things sound similar it doesn’t mean they look similar.”

“Huh, but don’t Inoki and Koinoki look similar?” (TL note: She’s referring to j.a.panese wrestlers Antonio Inoki and Antonio Koinoki.)

“That’s because it’s an intentional imitation!”

Are you kidding me...fine, she’s actually kidding me.

“Heh, relax, Amacchi. I was just fooling around earlier, but I do have a secret weapon up my sleeve.”

Yuuouji pulled out a suspicious-looking bottle from her pocket.

“Hey...that’s not「Abazuren Z」again, is it?”

“Nah it’s not, it’s too dangerous, so it got confiscated.”

That was good news. She has her own problems to deal with, while UOG has its corporate morals to uphold.

It was a world-famous transnational corporation after all, which made complete sense, but they still had exceptions like UOG Publis.h.i.+ngs...anyway it’s a good thing they recalled a product like that.

“So, here’s my newly concocted drug, ta-dah~!”

Yuuouji raised the bottle and yelled.

Hmm...can things like those really be made over the span of a single night?

“Here, for you.”

I took the bottle from her, feeling about ten percent antic.i.p.ation and ninety percent fear while doing so. The liquid within the bottle was somewhat sticky, so it’s probably for external application and not for consumption. Looking at the label, the product’s name was hand-written on it.「Skirt-lifting Ointment」. A frank yet uncreative name like that began slowly pus.h.i.+ng my feelings of antic.i.p.ation towards zero.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to say something like as long as I rub this on her she’ll have the desire to lift up her skirt?”

“Yep, that’s exactly it.”

Yuuouji nodded cheerfully, but I wasn’t about to buy it just like that.

「Abazuren Z」may have good effects as an aphrodisiac, but achieving an effect like that of this「Skirt-lifting Ointment」seemed too good to be true. In fact, it was almost like magic.

“To be precise, they’ll end up lifting up their skirts. The area that this ointment is applied on will momentarily be extra sensitive towards pain, so for example if one were to rub it on her thigh she would feel extremely uncomfortable just if their skirt were to brush past the area.”

Well, at least that makes more sense.

“So is this dangerous?”

“Ah, calm down, the effects wear off very quickly. I used my mom as a test subject this morning.”

“What do you take your mother as!”

I seem to recall that her mother had been used as a guinea pig for「Azaburen Z」as well.

“My mother’s a huge M anyway, so she naturally enjoys being experimented on or being someone’s lab rat.” (TL note: M = m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.t)

“Isn’t that a little too unexpected!?”

Huge M? Kyouka Yuuouji? To someone who’s used to seeing her calm demeanor delivering speeches on television like me, I just can’t imagine the thought.

“Let me just ask...what happened?”

“She was in so much pain she began crying out, and immediately took her skirt off.”

“Throw that stuff away NOW!”

Jokes may be jokes, but fantasizing can sometimes go too far.

Deducing from Yuuouji’s age, her mother must be at the very least in her thirties, but from all her appearances in media she seems to be no older than twenty.

To have such a beauty like her take off her skirt...that must be heaven.

Nonononono, why am I fantasizing about my cla.s.smate’s mom like that? Am I a pervert?

“You can’t just use something this potent on Yawakaze.”

“But my mom later was very happy about it. She even said it felt pretty good.”

“Only your mom would

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