Part 32 (1/2)

”Don't ever say that. She's perfect. You got to know her pretty well. Aside from her being tired all the time, she's the most amazing person I've ever met. And you guys liked her too. So what if she has bad dreams? Everyone has something. Doesn't mean they can't still be awesome.” I feel completely empty and worry Jess must feel the same. Worse. I put my hands on my face, and groan. ”I let her down in so many ways at that party. And tonight I just let her down again. c.r.a.p. Do you think there's any chance of me ever getting her back?”

”Maybe you can catch up to her in the Mental Ward, because that's where you're heading dude, if you try to follow up on this one.”

Mich.e.l.le steps between Corey's face and my fist just in time.

”Guys. Do not have this fight. Let's go home before we all do something we will regret.”

”You mean something else,” I say.

Chapter Thirty-Six.

Jess I stop running when I reach my front steps. I sit, taking in a deep, very quiet, breath. Rather than fight against the dream-the memories-I do something I've never done in my life.

I welcome the voices, the images, the sounds, and the smells from the nightmare. From the worst night of my life.

I play it over. Sifting and sorting it into consecutive order until the entire memory solidifies and makes sense. Start to finish.

I even piece together what my parents said at the hospital that night. Every word uttered when they thought I'd been asleep is now burned into my brain.

Mom. Crying: ”The doctor told me nothing happened. She doesn't remember how she got upstairs in that house. They think she might have been drugged. But we'd need to test for that.”

Dad, next. Shouting. Accusing: ”No. No tests! What's the point? They pumped so much alcohol out of her system she could have died. She can't even remember who's to blame for this. She lied to us. Jess is lucky as h.e.l.l. Lucky as h.e.l.l! I hope she learned a lesson.”

”She was almost raped! What lesson is there in that?” Mom, sniffling again. More tears.

Dad. Angry. ”We've told her how to behave! We've told her not to drink, and that parties are not allowed. The first chance she gets to walk out of our house as a high-school freshman and she pulls this stunt? She put herself in the wrong place at the wrong time and this is what happened.”

More sobs. Mom falls apart. ”I can't believe she was almost raped.”

”Almost. Thank G.o.d. Almost. Nothing happened, right? Honey...you know I don't blame Jess. I just want to kill someone. Our poor girl-”

And then, a sound more terrible than any of the others: My father, crying.

”Poor Jess. Poor Jess. What she must have been through. I hope she doesn't remember. They said she might not. I hope that's true. I never want her to remember. I just want her to be fine.”

I wipe away my last few tears and pull in a long breath, wondering how long I'd been sitting out here. Wondering if I'd missed my curfew yet.

As if that matters anymore. I hope my parents ground me forever.

The safety of my bedroom is all I want right now. I swear I'll never leave this house again. My entire body feels hollow. I can't feel my heart. I can hardly feel myself.

I slowly open the front door and walk into the entryway. Mom peeks out from the kitchen, as though she'd been sitting in there waiting.

”Jess. That you? I didn't hear a car pull up,” she says, walking closer. ”How was it?”

I don't try to hide my tearstained face. At least I don't have to pretend I'm upset. I need this to go quickly, so I pull in a long shaking breath and say, ”Oh, Mom.”

The tears start falling all over again.

Mom ramps right in. ”Honey! What's wrong?”

”I walked from the corner. We-it's over. We broke up.”

”Why? I thought things were going so well?”

”It's me. I couldn't deal with it. It was all just moving too quickly. He and I are too different.”

I can tell by Mom's expression that she's completely on board. She hugs me. I have to admit her arms feel wonderful. I cling to her, wrapping my arms tight around her and hold on for way too long. And then, I remember what I need to do.

”Mom.” I pause and sniffle again, pulling away. ”Will you tell Dad? The BBQ's going to have one less guest. And I'm sorry. I just want to go to bed.”

”Oh honey, of course. I'm so sorry too.”

I cringe at those words, and head up the stairs. More tears rain down. I make no attempt to wipe them away. The lingering smell of lavender and the warm feeling from Mom's hug has me stopping and calling out to her just before the landing.

”Mom?” I turn back, she hasn't moved. ”Tomorrow, if you have time, I really want to talk to you and Dad. I need to tell you some things. Some major things. Some are not so good.”

Mom's face brightens. The expectation in her eyes almost blinds me. ”Yes. Of course! Dad and I had wanted to talk to you tonight, about your boyfriend too. But now, it's late and Dad's sound asleep on the couch anyhow. Maybe morning is best. We'd be happy to hear anything you want to tell us.”

”Good,” I answer, feeling slightly lighter that at least I hadn't lied on that last one.

I stop in the hall bathroom to wash away the sticky, drying tears with cold water before I brush my teeth. When I reach my room, I quickly put on the softest pajamas I own, throw my hair into a bun, and head for my desk.

Without even pausing, I take my final college application essays and throw them in the small trashcan under the desk. Maybe I can apply to some online school...

No matter how I try not to think of Gray, I can't purge all of the terrible things I'd said to him. How he must hate me now. And as much as I'd claimed to hate him.

But I don't. No matter how hard I try, I can't.

I also can't blame him for leaving me alone that night.

He'd just met me, after all. Or...I think he'd just met me. Sadly, I still can't remember meeting him. I wonder if that moment will be erased forever. Gray had tried to tell me about it. Now, I'll never be able to know the rest of that story. I picture Gray as a freshman, all scrawny and puny. I must have blown him off like he'd said.

I pull out my yearbook from that year and flip to my photo. I'm amazed at how young I'd been. I looked a lot like Kika does now. I'd been sporting a major set of braces too. Plus I had some big att.i.tude that I was a complete woman who could handle anything. Even sneaking out to parties-drinking and talking to uppercla.s.smen.

My thoughts tumble, and my head begins to hum and spin as my endless tiredness sets in.

All I want to do is close my eyes and fade into blackness...fade away.

I stand and pace the room, fighting the sleep monster. The monkey on my back.