Chapter 11 (1/2)

Part 1

”The next stop is... Bayview Station,” the oddly mechanical female voice of the train's announcement system announced, as per its job description, which happened to coincide with the exact moment my assistant raised her hand to her mouth to cover up a giant yawn.

”Yesterday was tiresome,” she stated at last, probably as an excuse, and I could only nod in agreement.

”Yeah, but it's okay every once in a while.”

”I suppose.”

I smiled at her thoughtful answer and checked the time. It was a little past 10:00 AM and we were sitting in the jewel of the local public transportation system, the first class of a brand new bullet train. Well, okay, maybe it wasn't exactly ‘bullet train' per se, as it ran on traditional rails instead of mag-rails, but it was a sleek, white machine that nevertheless ran through the mountainous landscape at scary speeds. Speaking of the landscape, the view outside our tinted windows was truly scenic, with rolling hills, sharp mountain cliffs, dense green forests, and the occasional sparkling white shoreline. I had no idea how all of these geographical features would even begin to make sense on an island of this size, but after a while, I decided to just turn off my brain and enjoy the scenery.

”I still don't think that show was particularly outstanding,” Judy opened a conversation only a minute or so later, drawing my attention away from the window.

”I don't know... Sure, it wasn't as great as the guys made it out to be, but it was fun to watch.”

”Not for eight hours,” my assistant griped with what I was pretty sure I could label as a ‘sulky voice', though it didn't show on her face as usual.

”Now, now. We didn't just watch the series for eight hours, we did other things too. It was five hours at most.”

As a matter of fact, the previous day's ‘Trucy the Werewolf Huntress' marathon had less to do with the show than the small, usually random trials and tribulations that kept creeping up on us. We started a little before noon, when Angie got back from her tennis practice. Josh and the class rep arrived a little later, while the princess arrived exactly at 12:00, delivered by a limo, no less. Judy of course had been around since the morning, as she made me promise during our late-night phone talk that I would pick her up in the morning. It was actually on its way to become a habit. The late night phone conversations, I mean, not the picking up part.

We originally wanted to order pizza for lunch, but Elly declared that she would cook for us even if she had to use ‘commoner ingredients'. If you asked me, she just really wanted to do something useful for a change but was too embarrassed to just do it normally. It also turned out that we faced our first big hurdle right at the beginning, as I didn't actually have a Betamax player. That's right, I said Betamax player. Not Blueray, not DVD, and not even VHS, but Betamax of all things! The random technological discrepancies of this world were baffling, to say the least.

Anyways, in the end we broke into two groups: Josh and I were in charge of buying the equipment (in the end I actually bought all the seasons on DVD along with a player in the supermarket instead, as it was both a simpler and cheaper solution) while the girls were doing the cooking.

”Speaking of which...” I decided to breach a subject I've been curious about for a while. ”Can you actually tell me what caused the ‘Calamity Lunch' incident?”

The name came from Josh, but it was descriptive enough so I started using it too. To put it bluntly, when we returned from our shopping trip we were welcomed by not one, but four different meals. It was quite shocking considering I wasn't even sure there was enough time to make one dish, let alone four, out of which three were complete disasters while the fourth was... well, a plateful of ham sandwiches. You can have three guesses about who made those.

”Where should I begin?” Judy pondered for a moment before she continued with, ”Eleanor wanted to make a kind of soufflé. I decided to make some sandwiches in the meantime. She questioned why I was making those and accused me of having no trust in her cooking skills.”

”That sounds like her all right. How did you answer?”

”I didn't. I continued preparing your ham sandwiches.”

I stopped her with a move of a hand. ”Wait, you made those sandwiches for me in particular?”

She nodded.

”Yes. I thought you might want something edible and I knew you like those.”

I looked at her flatly while trying to suppress a frown.

”Doesn't that mean you really didn't trust her cooking skills?”

Judy returned my flat stare with one of her own, but before long she shook her head.

”At this time I cannot confirm nor deny such accusations. Please consult my lawyer.” For a moment I didn't know how to react to that, so I just let it go and gestured for her to continue. ”At this point she told me she would challenge me to a cooking contest.”

”Yeah, in retrospect I should have warned you about that. That's another of those typical developments in harem comedies, where the girls compete in cooking.”

”Is that so? I thought she was just competitive as usual.”

”Nah, it's actually a thing,” I told her as I crossed my legs and rested my chin on my hand. ”It has something to do with scoring femininity points.”

”What's that?”

Before I noticed it, she already had her phone in her hand, so I let out a small breath and continued.

”It's this thing where girls in harem comedies compete with each other based on different attributes they have. The cook-off is one of those clichéd developments where they all make food for the guy in the middle to see who is the best cook and would make the best housewife.”

”I see.” My assistant nodded while typing, then she glanced up at me. ”I guess I should have put in more effort then.”

”Hm?” I tried to imitate Josh's intrigued single-eyebrow-raised expression, but I quickly realized I need more practice, si instead I told her, ”If you wanted to enter the race for Josh, then sure, be my guest.”

”No,” she retorted with the bluntness of a warhammer and the tiniest of frowns on her forehead.

”Then there is no problem,” I answered with a smile, and then added, ”Plus the sandwiches were perfectly fine anyway.”

”I'm glad to hear that.” She nodded to herself, like she often did, and then gave me a questioning look. ”Does that mean I scored some feminity points?”

I couldn't help but chuckle.

”Sure.”

”Yay.”

I allowed myself a single chuckle at her deadpan delivery and moved on.

”So, back to the Calamity Lunch? What happened next?”

Judy put her phone away and returned to her explanation.

”After Eleanor made a scene, the others came into the kitchen. Then Angeline and Amelia also decided to accept the challenge, and they all tried to make an unusual dish.”

”Ah, right. The vegetarian cordon bleu and that seafood-pasta thing...”

I didn't even know where they found the ingredients for those. My fridge was pretty mysterious sometimes.

My assistant nodded once more, and then added, ”The rest is history.”

”Indeed.”

With that, we both fell silent for a while and I returned to my window-gazing. There was an announcement about the next stop, but I didn't pay much attention to it. We were only getting off at the last terminal and that was still a good twenty minutes away. I would've probably continued looking at the scenery until then if not for the sudden tugging sensation I felt on my shoulder. I looked over and found Judy delicately pinching a fold on my coat and pulling on it at regular intervals even after I returned my attention to her.

”Yes?” I asked without even trying to hide the amusement in my voice.

”Chief, I have a question too.”

”Really? I'm listening.”

Still tugging at my clothes, she leaned closer and murmured, ”What were you and Joshua talking about?”

”When, exactly?”

”Before Eleanor arrived,” she clarified as she leaned even closer. ”You seemed awfully secretive about it.”

”Oh, that?” I grinned and carefully pushed her back to get some breathing space. ”It wasn't really a secret. We were discussing his experiences at the princess' mansion the day before.” Judy looked at me expectantly, so I told her, ”Apparently, they were not only under constant supervision, but Sebastian was interrogating him about me.”

”You left an impression.”

”It seems so.”

”Why were you whispering about it?”

”Well... let's just say some of the old guy's questions were pretty weird and they made Josh nervous.” Once again my assistant didn't speak aloud, but it was obvious she wanted me to continue, so I did so after a quick sigh. ”He was asking after my family, where I lived, what kind of people I hung out with, whether or not I was related to the British royal family...”

”One of those things is not like the others.”

”One of these things just doesn't belong,” I answered reflexively, but she only gave me a flat look. ”Oh... sorry, I thought you were doing a thing.” There was an awkward pause hanging in the air for a moment, after which I cleared my throat and proceeded as if nothing happened. ”So, Josh wanted to know why he would ask these things.”

”Background check?”

”Probably.”

”Maybe he wanted to see if you had the pedigree to marry into the family.”

”That wasn't a funny joke,” I responded a bit more flatly than intended, but then paused for a moment to think. The previous day was so hectic I didn't really think about it, but looking back at it with a clear head, those questions were odd. I made a mental note of them and decided to ask the butler the next time I would have the misfortune to meet him, then I shrugged my shoulders at my assistant. ”It's more likely he was checking if anyone would care if I went mysteriously missing.”

”I would.”

I chuckled at her instantaneous answer.

”Thanks. That's reassuring.” Still smiling, I casually glanced over my shoulder and sighed. ”By the way, they are still following us.”

”Yes,” my assistant nodded without looking. ”It was probably Eleanor who paid for the tickets.”

”Go figure.”

As a matter of fact, the rest of the gang has been following us all morning, and they were about as subtle as the last time the girls were stalking us at the phone shop. I pretty much expected this since the moment Judy blurted out that we would be going on a trip, but it still surprised me how all four of them trailed behind us, including Joshua. Though again, maybe he was dragged along by one of the girls. This did sound like one of those wacky episodes you would get into in a harem comedy after all, which made me all the more determined not to get involved. That's why I bought a prohibitively costly train ticket that took us on a round-trip around half the island. As you might've gathered, they still followed after us like bloodhounds, except less subtly.

I slumped my shoulders and returned my attention to the girl at my side. ”So, should we keep trying to get rid of them or should we take them for a ride?”

Her brown eyes seemed as flat and uninterested as usual, but by this point I was well on my way to master reading the tiniest changes in her expressions, and this time they added up to a single word: ‘mischievous'.

”Why not both?” Her words confirmed my reading of her and it painted a grin of a similar manner onto my face.

”I like the way you are thinking.”

”I will take that as a compliment.”

”Yes, that's how I meant it.”

”Really? Then... Yay, I was complimented again?”

I sighed and shook my head.

”Let's practice expressing overt joy another time.” I rubbed my hands together and cracked my neck as a show of intense preparation. ”So, we have about fifteen minutes until we reach our destination. Let's see the ideas.”

As if we rehearsed it beforehand, we reached for our phones in unison and began poking at the screens. I hated to admit it, but in the short time since she had hers, Judy became something of a virtuoso with her machine and worked much faster than I did.

”What are the essential stops?” she asked without looking up, her tone dead serious.

”The Northern Piers, The Critias Museum and Library, the Central Monument Park and The Black Baron's Multiplex Cinema.”

She looked up from her phone on the last one.

”What are we researching there?”

”Nah, they just have a good movie at 18:00. I thought we should watch that once we are done with our trip. You know, to end on a high note.”

”I see.” She gave me a small nod and returned to her screen. ”I will place that one at the end of the timetable then. Any other points of interest?”

”A few small ones I thought we could visit if we had the time. I'm sending you over my initial plan.”

”So you had a plan,” Judy looked up from her screen while I was trying to send the file over. ”Very diligent of you.”

”Thanks,” I replied just as the list got through. ”It's just a few interesting-sounding curiosity-shops and restaurants. Most of these wouldn't pose much of a challenge to the guys, so we should spice things up a little.”

”Hmmm...” My assistant visibly pondered while absently swiping her screen. ”How about the amusement park?”

”There is an amusement park out there?” Well, ‘out there' didn't say much in this case. Technically we were only going to the outskirts of the town, but because of the huge (and in retrospect, pointless) round trip that took us back practically to the same part of the town where we started, it felt like we were going to the backwoods. Anyways, I used my built-in browser to look up a map, and sure enough, there was an amusement park not far from our primary destinations.

”According to this site, it has numerous attractions, including a rollercoaster, a haunted house, and a lovers' tunnel,” Judy informed me with the efficiency of a sales clerk.

”Hmmm... All of those sound like nice places to give the gang a run for their money. I especially like the haunted house idea.” I could totally imagine the princess going around and screaming at everything while futilely trying to look brave and dignified. It was in her character.

”I am partial to the lovers' tunnel.”

”I don't know,” I muttered as I scratched my chin. ”I think that's too early for them. It would probably lead to friction in the entourage, and that's not funny.”

”... True.”

For a second or two we both fell silent, so I hastily put my phone away before it could become awkward.

”Okay, is there anything else?”

”I don't think we need more sites.”

”Yeah, I suppose the park should keep us busy for the afternoon.” Just then the mechanical voice of the train announced our next stop, and we both stood up in unison.

”Anything else?”

”Act natural, don't look their way, and stick to the plan.”

”Got it,” Judy nodded solemnly at my side and we headed for the doors while trying to ignore a totally conspicuous group making a commotion in the other car as they scrambled to their feet.

Part 2

Our first stop at the apparently renowned Critias Museum and Library was one of the more relaxed and at the same time perplexing experiences I had. The exhibits, which mostly dealt with the island's history, were housed in a large baroque building that would have fit right into any old European capital if not for the unsettlingly new state it was in. It didn't even make sense; why would someone try to emulate an antique building style and then make it look brand new? Wasn't the patina half the point? But then again, it wasn't like this was even close to making it onto my list of the ten most glaring absurdities this world had thrown my way this far, so I decided not to get too hung up on it, especially since I was just in the process of reading something even more baffling as we spoke.

”So the island's traditional claim to fame and chief source of income is its extensive mining industry?” I scratched my chin in a most cerebral manner while leaning forward to get a better look at the eye-strainingly tiny letters engraved into the surface of the bronze plaque. It was fastened onto the stump of a Greek column in front of a series of large pictures depicting gaping mineshafts and eerily happy miners. After some time I straightened myself and shook my head. ”That's just silly.”

”How come?” Judy inquired while also straightening herself. I didn't even notice that she was leaning forward the same way I was.

”This is a volcanic island,” I stated dryly.

”Really?”

”Yes. What else could a small island in the middle of an ocean be?” I stated confidently, then after some hesitation, I cleared my throat and added; ”Also, that other plaque said so.”

”Oh.” Judy's voice sounded faintly impressed either way.

”Anyways, the point is that volcanic islands are fairly new geological formations, so there was no time for ore veins to accumulate, and let's not even mention fossil fuels like oil or coal. I have no idea what they could be mining that would warrant an industry. Maybe sulfur?”

”It's unobtanium,” Judy stated at my side and the word immediately managed to skyrocket my brows.

”Bullcrap.” I caught myself responding flatly and quickly cleared my throat. ”Pardon. What I wanted to say was: ‘Ha ha, yeah, we just talked about that yesterday, not falling for that.'”

My assistant let out a soft ‘tch' sound, though as usual, her face didn't show any irritation.

”I was found out.”

”It was a good try though.”

”I see.” To my relief, she seemed to perk right back up and calmly walked over to the next plaque in line. ”Ah!”

I was startled by the unusually excited noise she made and quickly made my way to her side.

”What did you find?”

”The actual answer,” she told me as flatly as ever, but in contrast to that, I couldn't help but notice that she puffed out her chest. It wasn't proper to stare though, so I leaned closer to take a better look at the information tablet in question.

”Well, I'll be damned. It says the island has large deposits of nickel, gold, and... diamonds? Really?”

”It says so.”

”Yeah, but...” I scratched my head while trying to keep my mouth from grimacing. ”Damn, I should really look into this on the net once we get home.” I was about to move on, but my assistant's relentless stare made me stop and raise a curious eyebrow at her display. ”Is there a problem?”

”Why did we come here then?”

”Excuse me?”

”I just don't see the point of visiting a museum if you are going to search the internet for information found there anyways. Why did we come here in the first place?”

Somehow she made the otherwise confrontational question sound reasonable. I opened my palms and shrugged.

”It's all about the experience.”

”Is it?”

”Yep. Sure, if you are only looking for just the particulars, then the internet is much faster, but doing the legwork like this has its charm too.”

”If you say so.” She looked around, probably looking for the right words to let me down gently. ”I just think it's inefficient. And a little boring.”

”Wait, you are bored?” My reaction was, of course, in no way panicked or defensive. ”I'm not bored. Are you bored?”

My assistant awarded me another of her long deadpan gazes (which didn't look much different from her usual look, but I was pretty sure it was the intention behind it) before she decided to answer.

”I'm not bored,” she paused to inconspicuously nod to the side. ”But they are.”

”Oh...” I had to remind myself to only look from the corner of my eye, and it didn't take long to locate the entourage. They were hiding behind one of the large round columns upholding the ceiling of the exhibit hall... except for the class rep, who was out in the open and reading one of the plaques in the back. It said something that she was the least conspicuous member of the entire bunch.

”So?” I returned my attention to my assistant with said inquiry. ”No one is forcing them to follow us around.”

”But they do, and if we keep loitering around they will think we are boring people. We should hurry up.”

”Oh, come on. Could we not time our trip to the whims of our stalkers, please?”

”I just feel sorry for them. It's probably not very interesting to watch us viewing an exhibit.”

”I don't know...” I tried to object, but she was actually kind of right. But still, a stubborn streak in me just didn't want to give in like that. ”Damn, now you made me wonder what they are thinking about.”

”You can ask them tomorrow. We should move on.”

I shook my head. ”No, I was rather thinking about listening in on them right here and now.”

Judy discreetly glanced at the still hiding entourage, and when her eyes returned to me there was a look in them that I figured must have been skeptical in nature.

”They are pretty far from us. Do you plan to sneak up on them?”

”Depends,” I told her as I looked around the hall. I could practically count the people around me on one hand, and they were all silent. In fact, the place was eerily quiet, though in this case it was a good thing. ”Let's act like we are wandering around and get a little closer to them. We might be able to hear something if we focus really hard.”

”If you say so.”

Ignoring the unbeliever at my side, I closed my eyes and tuned my ears in the direction of Josh and company. Figuratively, of course. To my surprise, I managed to pick up something right away. At first there were only small snippets, word-fragments masked by minor environmental noises I didn't even notice before, yet slowly but surely I was able to make out more and more. I held my breath to reduce the background noise even further and, with the suddenness of a popping soap bubble, everything came into perfect focus at once. So much so in fact that I involuntarily gasped when I thought the princess was right beside me. I opened my eyes, but only Judy was at my side, and she was looking at me with her usual deadpan expression colored by a tinge of incredulity.

”So?”

”I can totally hear them,” I whispered while trying my best to reign in my shocked excitement. ”I can hear them loud and clear.”

”Really?”

She still didn't sound convinced, so I instructed her to focus as I did. After a few seconds, she shook her head.

”I can't hear anything.”

”Maybe it's the acoustics,” I hypothesized. ”Try standing over here.”

My assistant followed my instructions without any complaints, but she didn't seem to hear anything. I decided to try and show her the ropes.

”Listen closely. Right now Angie is complaining that I didn't buy you any snacks at the kiosk. And now Josh is talking about how said kiosk wasn't nearly expensive enough and that I should have brought along some kind of dish I can't pronounce.”

”That sounds like something they would say,” she tentatively agreed. ”But I still can't hear them.”

”Seriously? They are completely audible. Try closing your eyes.”

My assistant obediently did as I instructed, scrunching up her eyes in concentration.

”What are they talking about now?”

”Right now? Give me a second... The princess is saying that I must have tricked you into closing your eyes so that I can molest you.”

Judy opened one of her eyes at me.

”Did you?”

”No, and one of these days I really have to sit down and talk with that girl before things get out of hand.”

The answer seemed to satisfy her, for she closed her eyes and began concentrating again. It was apparent Judy tried her best to listen, but in the end she shook her head all the same.

”Sorry, couldn't hear anything legible.”

”Seriously? But they are talking so loud, and—” I paused as a disappointed frown settled onto my face, ”Oh, you looked their way.”

”I did?”

”Yeah, Josh just pulled the princess back. He has his hand clapped on her mouth and... Wow, that's so typical.”

”Did something happen?”

”Hm?” I grunted groggily as I glanced at her, then shook my head. ”Nah, it's just that the princess apparently got a nosebleed. It's one of those trope things. It's supposed to signal arousal or something.”

”How did you know that?”

”It's on the site I showed you last time. Just search for nosebleed; it apparently has something to do with an old wives' tale.”

Judy shook her head so abruptly her hair whipped around her face. She quickly straightened her hairdo and continued without missing a beat.