Chapter 128 - Lost Bff (1/2)

The Empress dowager blinked then shakily said, ”I want to be alone.”

Song mama knit her brows and wanted to protest but the Empress dowager frowned at her and ordered, ”Leave.” So she hesitantly let her be and waited outside the doors, listening for any commotion.

The Empress dowager has been quite unstable recently. She always got angry whenever she met with the monks. Although she had become more controlled since the whipping incident and did not lash out like that anymore. She thought she was finally getting better until a few weeks ago when she found the Empress dowager collapsed in her room after taking one of her own poisons.

The antidote was right in front of her but she did not take it and instead was bearing the pain to the extreme. She quickly administered the antidote and later asked her why she would attempt such a thing. The Empress dowager did not answer and just brushed her off and curled up on her bed and slept. Song mama sighed, she was understanding her less and less these days.

The Empress dowager closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath once she was alone.

{...Anger...that's what it said the last time too...}

The last time she heard it was the day that demon made himself Emperor. The day she found out about the fate of her country, about her family and what he had done. But she was not angry then, she was enraged.

{...He had destroyed our lives, he ruined everything!...I lost everything and you abandoned me in the aftermath! This was not me being jealous or unreasonable. He ruined my life! What else was I supposed to do?!...}

When all she received in return was silence, she became even more enraged.

{...Tell me!... How else could I have lived?! If not anger, how could I have survived?!... And now there's this too...Was this why? What does this all even mean?...}

For as long as she could remember the voice was always with her as a friend, a guardian and a teacher. It had been with her since she was a child, she grew up with it. She did not know its origin or anything and never thought to question her existence until she grew up enough and realized it was not normal to have it. But still, she did not mind, it was their secret and her best friend, and she always felt reassured knowing it was there with her.

Since she was interested in it, it taught her about plants and herbs and any other topic she wanted to know. It was extremely knowledgeable and knew more than anyone she had ever met. It called itself a genius and called her one too for being a great student. They had a lot of fun times together.

She was not sure how but it may have even helped her with her marriage...or perhaps it just knew like always did what would happen.

Back then it had asked her if she liked anyone and she had told it about her secret crush on the handsome and kind Long Crown prince. It then replied, *In that case, it's easy*.

She was doubtful and thought it was just messing around like usual. But then a few months later, the proposal came and it proudly told her *I told you so*. She asked how but it responded, *It's none of your business*, it always said that when it did not want to talk about things. She had learned that no matter how much she prodded it would not speak about what it did not want to, so she let it go.

A few months later she got happily married and it told her she had to be happy and she was for a time.

He was the perfect husband, he loved her and she loved him, but he had others before her. Particularly, a side consort childhood friend that he could not neglect, and a few others he had to be kind too. Then she had thought he was too kind. he really seemed that way, which was why she fell for him in the first place.

But then things steadily got worse as the years progressed. He changed, she did not know how bad it really was until it was too late. Other women and eight years with no child put a major strain on their relationship. It became even more complicated as other women gave him the children she longed to give him, even a maid gave him one but she bore it all.

At that time, the voice always warned her to control her emotions, to curb her jealousy, to not get angry. She tried but how could she not feel any envy? How could she be happy when she had become a joke? How could she be happy when he constantly neglected her for other women, all the while claiming he loved her?

She had thought if she just had a child then it would fix everything. She tried all sorts of medicines, all sorts of painful methods, all in an effort to have a child for him. She understood that he needed heirs and that she had failed to provide even one, so it was normal for him to look elsewhere. She understood but it still hurt. It was her fault he was changing, it was her fault their relationship was in turbulent waters and it was her fault for being inadequate.